Horror is a greatly underestimated and versatile genre that I thoroughly enjoy. HOWEVER, I am sick of sitting idly by my television screen and cursing to the heavens because of the stupidity of mankind when presented with life or death situations. Here are twenty-five things everyone should not do if they find themselves in the midst of a supernatural haunting, possession or serial killer rampage.
1. Never, ever go into the fucking basement. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Basements and attics are harbingers of ghosts and murder chambers. Get the fuck out and lock the damn door.
2. Babysitting alone? Fine. Turning on all the lights. Great idea. Taking your eyes off the children for one second after a crazed creep rings you with cryptic messages? That’s what you get.
3. Stop taking off your clothes and having sex in the midst of terror. It’s going to be cold running through the woods or the streets and the more scantily clad you are the more you’re going to suffer a gruesome death.
4. “Babysitter needed” ads –no information, no number, no actual, visible child? LEAVE. THEY ARE MOST DEFINITELY GONNA KILL YOU OR USE YOU IN SOME SORT OF SATANIC RITUAL.
5. If you hear unexplained wall thumping in your room, your bathroom, from mirrors, cars, cabinets – pretty much anywhere – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT THUMP BACK. You’ve just told a soul sucking ghost or demon that you wanna play.
6. Oh, your kid’s just sleep walking and having “dreams” about ghosts. Hell no. Your kid’s seeing some messed up shit and should be exorcised immediately.
7. Fuck the haters. Your husband, friend, lovers calling you insane? Throw ‘em to the curb. They’re just going to get in your way when you’re fighting for your life.
8. If there’s something sealed behind a wall, get to minding your own business and leave it where it belongs.
9. Dolls. You’re all idiots.
10. Oh, a billionaire philanthropist just happened to ask you spend the night in his secluded cabin and/or mansion? DECLINE. You will be inevitably be fed to something.
11. If your husband is acting weird, he probably did some shady shit and you should immediately seek a divorce, custody and invest in some Holy Water.
12. If you think you see Michael Myers or Freddy or Jason or Chucky everywhere, chances are they are everywhere. Change your identity. I’m talking face lifts, hair cuts, name changes… if you can find a way to face/off like that severely underrated Cage/Travolta film, DO IT.
13. Don’t talk to creepy old ladies dressed in all black. I don’t care if they seem fun now; you’re going to die a terrible death.
14. Never, ever trust your neighbors. They are all definitely after you.
15. Sleeping in any type of supernatural or murder spree situation is lazy and you’re going to shit yourself when you’re thrown out of bed at 3 in the morning.
16. Killer in the house? Get out of the house! Why are you running from room to room throwing vases in his way? You’re just pissing him off and slowing yourself down.
17. Whispers in the walls? Drafty doors? This is not something that a little construction work is going to fix. It happens once, it’ll happen again, probably when you’re home alone and least expect it. LEAVE. Get in your car and bounce.
18. Children are creepy. Sorry, I love children, but horror movie children can’t be trusted. Leave them behind and don’t associate yourself with them. They know too much and will either stand idly by while you’re being butchered or do it themselves. Abort.
19. The motel has an unlimited and perpetual amount of vacancies and is settled in front of an ominous house with the shadow of a corpse looking at you? Wait till you reach the Best Western.
20. Kids are talking about their imaginary friends? A therapist isn’t going to help. Their friends are real and you should believe them before it’s too late and they’ve thrown you down a flight of stairs.
21. Ouija boards? At night? At a location where someone died? Nah.
22. Breaking into a haunted place to capture footage? Just stab yourself in the face already and get it over with.
23. Bones and meat hanging from a ceiling, but its Texas so it’s normal? No. It’s not normal. Everyone you love will get filleted and you will limp off into the sunset covered in blood and regretting every life decision that has brought you thus far.
24. Don’t light the black flame candle. It clearly states if you’re a virgin a bunch of hell is going to rain down on your town. Youths.
25. Don’t check under the bed or the closet. Chances are it’s already in the room with you so just turn the other way and RUN.