I have never met someone who understands me completely. I have never felt as though another person was my Earth, sun and stars. I have never been in love.
I feel like I should have experienced some sort of love by now. After all, high school is supposed to be the time to make stupid mistakes, to fall in and out of love as easy as breathing. High school is when you are supposed to think you found The One, and then you lose them, thinking your entire life is over until you find someone new the next week.
The only advantage of never being in love is that I have never had my heart broken – but I want to.
I want to meet someone I think is so perfect they could do no wrong. I want to them think the same of me. I want everything to be perfect, but only for a little while.
I want to fight. I want to shout at the person I love and for them to shout back. Some fights we’ll move past, emerging stronger than we were before, and then there will be the fight that breaks us.
Or maybe it won’t be a fight that breaks us, maybe the love will just fade away. We’ll grow apart, something will change. Our perfect love won’t be perfect anymore. Either way leads to the same result – a broken heart.
I want a broken heart. I want to feel like the Earth is crumbling beneath my feet. I want to feel like I cannot bear to get out of bed. I want to drown my sorrows in chocolate fudge brownie ice cream.
I want my heart to get broken so I can prove to myself that I am capable of love, to see that I can give my all to a person. I want to be loved back, if only for a little while. I can learn I am worthy of love, but that it is fragile. Love is not easy, it takes work, and sometimes it’s not pretty. Sometimes it is fierce, and even then it can still be shattered into a million pieces.
I want to have my heart broken so that even after all seems lost I can pick up the pieces and move on to my next great love. To learn that I am whole, and that finding the right love – the forever kind – requires patience.
I’m still waiting for my first love and first heartbreak, but I’m hoping that when it comes it will be just as beautiful, and just as woeful as I imagine.