I don’t understand the hurry to find “the one.”
Too many people go out with intentions of hooking up and one night stands, hoping that they will stumble upon one person who changes them forever. I don’t want to find my one in the midst of a drunken, sloppy hookup.
I don’t want to find my one as his hands slide down my sides trying to pull up my skintight dress in a crowded, hot room. And I definitely don’t want to find my one when I’m embarrassingly searching around the room for my underwear when the morning sun is peeking through the curtains. I want to find my one in the library when I’m studying and he asks if I’m okay when I slam down my International Politics folder.
I want to find my one when we laugh at the same joke and bashfully make eye contact in the middle of class. I want to find my one when I’m sitting indian style in the courtyard lawn reading Harry Potter on a Wednesday in the spring.
I want it to be unexpected because nothing is more beautiful than the unknown. I don’t believe in altering my life in hopes of crossing paths with some boy who may or may not take an interest in me.
Somewhere out there, there is a guy living his normal day-to-day life. And here I am, living my normal day-to-day life. And there will come a time when our day-to-day lives will meet up. And it won’t be something legendary and showy. It may be that we strike up a conversation about the cute dog walking by or chuckling at the small child spurting out their naive wisdom. There won’t be fireworks; there won’t be a moment when time stops, and there most definitely won’t be love at first sight.
We will become friends and find enjoyment in talking to each other. He will be there for me when I am crying over a paper I procrastinated for and I will be there for him when his roommate is driving him mad. And then it will become a norm in which we talk to each other and meet up for lunch every so often. Then, slowly, but surely, love will begin to fill the space between us. We won’t even know it until the one day I notice myself looking into his eyes a split second too long, or when he accidentally touches my hand while walking and gets lost in the thought of holding my hand and having our fingers intertwined. It could be something as simple as when we are watching a movie that I lay my head on his chest that we both know that our day-to-day lives crossed for a reason. Until then, I find absolutely no reason in changing who I am or what I do everyday in desperation to find someone.
I want to go to parties and drink until I’m intoxicated and dance while getting lost in the music. I want to have movie nights with my friends on days where we don’t want to get out of our sweatpants and t-shirts and do our hair. I want to have nights where I stay up too late having meaningful conversations with the people that I will consider my lifelong friends. I want to go to the mall and shop for clothes that I like so I can go home and lay it all out on my bed and feel a sense of accomplishment. I want to do the things that I love and enjoy and want to do without having to worry about checking my phone for a text or missed call.
I don’t want to have the constant fear of losing someone to somebody else. When I am in love, I will know and he will know and there will be no fear of losing each other because even the thought of thinking about it is just ludicrous. I want someone who is so happy to have me that they don’t think of a life in which I am not a part of him.
I want to read and explore and travel and laugh and cry all the while figuring out who I am. I want to get to know my deepest desires, what tastes I like and don’t like, what music puts me in a good mood, what people make me genuinely happy, what clothes look best on me. I want to go out with my friends and make memories that we talk and laugh about years later. I want to make my young years the best years of my life and I don’t see how crying and being heartbroken over boys who in a week will be coming onto the next drunken girl at a party in a revealing outfit could do anything to contribute to my happiness and self-discovery. I want to be a genuinely happy person. I want to be so many things. I want to be healthy and fit, someone who others like to be around because I make them happy, someone who gives good advice and has a good insight on life, a positive person, have a beautiful and loving soul, and someone who loves without fear. I am not at a point in my life in which I can love without fear. There would be too much fear in me. I am too insecure to love at this point because I don’t thoroughly know who I am. But I know who I want to be.