1. Tell the officer that your cousin just died. Make sure your cousin is in the car with you. Give your cousin the signal to play dead. Make sure it is convincing. If necessary, tell your cousin to stop breathing. This has the potential to get very real.
2. When the officer hands you the ticket stare into his or her eyes and put the ticket in your mouth. Chew the ticket. Swallow the ticket. Do not break eye contact.
3. Play the song “Right Thurr” by Chingy. Hope that the officer likes the song “Right Thurr” by Chingy.
4. Always keep a handful of sand in your car. If you are being pulled over, quickly douse yourself in sand. When the officer asks how fast you were going, say “I was just at the beach.” If the officer doesn’t believe you, tell him or her to look at the sand all over your clothes. If he or she still doesn’t believe you, tell him or her to touch your clothes. They should be able to feel the sand and will believe you. When the officer says that going to the beach is an irrelevant excuse for speeding, start crying and list reasons you are not loved.
5. Turn into smoke and giggle as you dissipate .
6. When the officer asks if you know how fast you were going say “88mph,” The officer will think that you have traveled through time and will most likely leave you alone.
7. Ask the officer how fast he or she was going. When the officer gives you a correct and legal answer, frown and realize that you haven’t thought this through.
8. Offer the officer a cookie. Make sure you have cookies. Also make sure they are good cookies. You can’t bribe someone with a mediocre cookie.
9. Shout “what is that?!” while pointing in the opposite direction. When the officer turns around, steal his or her hat. You are now a police officer. Arrest the other officer. Remember to read their Miranda Rights.
10. Drive a segway while on the highway. It will be physically impossible to speed.
11. Dress as Batman. Buy a Batmobile. If you cannot find a Batmobile, a large black car with flying capabilities a built-in missiles will do. Find an old British man and have him ride with you. If pulled over you won’t be asked many questions.
12. Live gently, only take what you need, practice forgiveness, be charitable. When in traffic court use this lifestyle as proof that you are a prophet. If anyone does not believe you, become visibly upset. Begin to cry and slowly eat the Slim Jim that you have been saving in your pocket.
13. Drive backwards. This way if you are going 60mph you are actually going -60mph.
14. Tell the officer that you have proof that he or she is cheating on his or her significant other. Hope that this is true. If the officer asks to see the proof, quickly draw a photorealistic sketch of the officer cheating on his or her significant other.
15. Tell the officer that you are from New Jersey. This will not work if you are in New Jersey.
16. Give the officer some perspective. List all of the crimes you haven’t committed. A rough number houses that you have not burned down is a good start.
17. Say you are late to work. When the officer asks where you work, say something like “That is classified, but I can say that if I’m late for work I can’t guarantee that there will be any gravity today.”