Sometimes I Think You’re Only Friends With Me Because Of My Boat

Alex Block

Hey! Great to hear from you, friend. It’s been a little while. Well, since last September, actually. And now, as summer has gotten into full swing, I’ve suddenly started getting more texts, emails, and calls from you. Asking to hang out. And almost always suggesting we take the boat that I own out onto the water.

And hey, I really do value the time we have together. Our conversations are great. You’re pretty fun to hang out with. But still, I kind of have this nagging suspicion, and forgive me if I’m reading too much into things, but…

Sometimes I think you’re only friends with me because of my boat.

I’m sure your intentions are good. It’s just that since we last talked back in September of last year — coincidentally when I’d also put my boat into storage for the winter — I haven’t heard from you. The same thing happened the year before. And the year before.

But then like clockwork… as soon as June rolled around, I’d start hearing from you more often. You’d mention how you’d been “so busy” the past few months and that we should “catch up” and preferably do so “on the boat!”

In fact, below I am pasting an email you sent me yesterday:

July 1 2017 08:48am
Subject: Catching up + hangin on boat?

Heyyy! Sup! Long time no talk! Been SO busy, don’t even get me started. Sorry I’ve been kind of MIA. Which reminds me, we should totally catch up. What you doing for the fourth? Any fireworks plans? We should do something. Like on the boat. Let’s take the boat out. There’ll be fireworks on the lake and that’ll be fun to watch from the water. In your boat. Which we should take out.

Lemme know!

The thing is: It’s not even entirely my boat. I share it with five of my childhood friends I grew up with. We all went in on it and share the costs. And one of them is using it this July 4th weekend. So I won’t even have access to it.

I mentioned this to you in my email reply, but mentioned that I’d still be free to hang out and catch up. Mysteriously, when I sent this reply, you replied that “something came up” and that you decided at the last minute to adopt a dog and that you’ll be stuck at home house-training the dog. You said that we’d have to hang out another time.

To test my suspicions that you are only friends with me because I own a boat, I replied back to you saying that in fact my friend’s plans had changed and that I would in fact be able to use the boat this weekend. I wished you and your dog well, and mentioned that yes, I’d be happy to catch up another time. Maybe at a coffee shop or some other venue on dry land.

You then replied to that email by saying your dog will be fine at home on its own, and that you’d be happy to join me on the boat.

Just to really test my suspicions, I then replied that, oops, my friend’s plans changed yet again and they would, in fact, need the boat.

To which you replied that your dog just bit a U.S. Senator and you would need to appear in court on July 4th. A national holiday. You again apologized profusely and suggested we hang out again “when it’s [my] turn with the boat.]

Now… I’ve always done my best not to jump to conclusions. But you have to admit: it kinda looks like you just want to be friends with me because I own a boat.

If you’d like to hang out with me, by all means, reach out. But just know that I am keenly aware of what your intentions might be. So yeah.

Glad we got that out in the open.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ask my friend who has a pool in his building if he’s free to hang out this weekend. So gotta go.

Hassan S. Ali is a humorist, creative technologist, video maker, and creative director.

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