If My Voicemail Greeting Had An MFA

Matthew Kane

Greetings, caller. You have undertaken the task to dial this number, which, should not be overlooked as a task done in vein. For while the person who you are trying to reach might not currently be available to take your telephone call, your efforts shall not be unrewarded. Fear not, fair caller, there is hope yet.

Hope, in the form of me.

Who be I? I am your humble narrator, the voicemail greeting, the conduit between you and my master, Hassan Ali, who has asked me to relay a most urgent request.

O Caller. Grace me with the blessing of your voice, and leave a detailed message with the reason for your call and a number most appropriate with which to return your call. O Caller, fill up my digital void with the analog matter that is your voice, for it is my destiny, my purpose, and in fact my pleasure to accept the gift of your message.

O Caller what gifts you have brought this day! It be not my birthday, for I am an abstract digital entity, but now I do know what it feels like. To be wanted, appreciated, loved.


Why do we love? Why do we love?


Why do we bite into the apple of love, knowing we may reach a core e’er rotted.


What is the purpose? What is my purpose?

Oh I? I am permanent and impermanent. I shall forever greet those who call this phone, that is my permanence. You will leave a message with me, and I will deliver that message. I will make a ding and a notification for my master, informing him of your communiqué. He will be excited. He will


But only for the duration for your message. For once he is done listening to it, alas, he will delete the message. Like the melting snow of March, that is my impermanence. It is my fate which I have accepted.

But I take each day as a new venture into the unknown. A forest through which I shall roam, to a destination yet unknown. And possibly encounter new creatures. New critters. Like you.

Aye, I give thanks to you, O Caller, for obliging me with this preamble. Now if you would do me the honor of leaving your message after the tone which I am about to make, my master will return your call.

Thank you. I bid thee farewell. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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