I was always the chronically single girl. Never had a proper relationship, just “almost relationships.” I had almost given up hope on meeting someone nice. And then you walked into my life.
I felt a small spark of hope inside of me. Started dreaming again. You made me feel alive. I never asked about your past, since I thought everyone has their own reasons to be the way they are. Thought I would give you space. Let you open up by yourself.
I started chasing after you. I was the one always initiating everything and you just went ahead with it. I never forced you to continue with me, I always asked if you were still interested. Maybe deep down, I knew it was a doomed affair. You just always complied with my decisions.
Strangely I should have realized that you were never the one initiating anything, even a text. It was always me. The fool I was.
But that’s my flaw, when I care about someone I go all the way. I never realized you were carrying ghosts of your past, which would destroy me later. Rip me apart into pieces.
Everything looked great. Then stupid me started to dream of a future with you. Alas, poor me, didn’t have a clue of what was in store for me.
The last day I met you, it was the beginning of autumn. You seemed so distant and didn’t even want to hold my hand. In the restaurant you seemed so distant, focused just on your phone. Somewhere, the little bird inside of my head said, “This is the end, the last you will ever see of him.” But I still kept the hope burning in my heart.
We come back to my place, and I finally ask the question about your past. And that’s when you spilled all and said that you were not ready to be with anyone. You said you liked me a lot and liked being around me and all, but just was not ready You said you had been thinking about it since last week and finally didn’t want to go ahead anymore. Then you also ask me if we will never meet ever again.
What did you want from me? Did you want me to fight for you? I was ready to. But you didn’t want me in your life. You kept pushing me away.
I had always asked you if you wanted to be together and you kept saying yes and now you changed your mind. You say you are not mentally fit. I wanted to be beside you to help you out.
But you rejected me. It was you who walked away, not me. You tore apart my freshly restored heart. You hurt me a lot.
I come back from work and cry on the cold hard floor like a baby, knowing there is no one to comfort me. Giving myself this cheat moment in my entire day to make my heart light. To numb myself.
I was ready to go to hell and back for you, because I loved you, cared about you. But you didn’t feel the same way for me.
I was just a passing face for you. Your rebound girl to get over the woman who hurt you badly. I hate her cause she hurt you so much. Don’t think I can ever forgive her.
I know right after me, you will find the right woman, the one who you will feel right with. I will probably see pictures of you both soon. You all happy. I really wish for your happiness. I want to see you happy. I don’t care if that breaks my heart more. But I really want you to be happy. In all our time together, I had felt that you were always holding back because you had been hurt so badly somewhere. I genuinely want you to make you happy.
I know I will never meet someone like you again. Thank you for making me feel alive and learn to trust and love again. I had been cheated on, mistreated, and rejected. You were different from all. You saw me for me. You listened to every word of mine. I felt alive with you. Maybe that is why I was ready to still try with you, one day at a time.
I wish you all the happiness in life. I wish one day you become mentally strong and find the right person who makes you whole. That person was never me. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.