I am a lone wolf. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends or don’t like to socialize. I have friends, a few, a handful. But since I move very often, I’ve lost many friendships. Few have stuck. Few fell through with bouts of jealousy.
I never had a proper decent romantic relationship either. But there were men. Men who I still haven’t been able to remove from my thoughts. Good souvenirs. Bad souvenirs. Their ghosts still haunt me.
Their reasons for breaking up with me haunt me. Making me question my being.
They keep me up all night wondering, where did things go wrong? How did it go wrong? Where did I make a mistake? How could I have changed myself so that it would have worked?
One left me saying, “Things didn’t click with us.” But karma is a bitch. Two years down the line his then girlfriend dumped him saying the exact same words.
Another left me saying, “We could hang out just as friends.” It was an almost relationship. Almost. Meaning there but still not there. Meaning non-existing. He made me feel special but in the end amounted to naught.
But in the end it’s the same underlying tone. You are too independent.
What is wrong with that? In this age a woman living alone, trying to establish herself, her life and her career — how can that be wrong?
Why is it frightening if a woman can make her own decisions, be headstrong, and go about on her own?
She can buy her own expensive clothes and jewels. How can that be intimidating? She has worked hard to be where she is now. Worked tremendously long days and nights stretching herself to fulfill her dreams.
And at times she splurged and showered herself with some fancy gifts. But they are just materials, not badges that describe her inner child, craving love and affection.
And all this in the end to be called too independent. A man would never be called out for doing the same things.
I’ve even had women telling me, “Oh if I were as ambitious as you, even I would be single then.”
Why would one assume that an ambitious woman doesn’t want a family and children? I have dreams to be super successful and at the same time want a loving family with a man and children.
Can’t I have the audacity to dream of it? Why label an ambitious female as a doomed spinster?
I keep wondering where I went wrong with my relationships with men. Why did I turn to working hard and trying to be an achiever and turning out to be strong and independent?
Deep down, I know the answer. It all started from my unattached relationship to my father. I did always go for men resembling my sire.
Affectionless, unattached males.