Write a suicide letter.
Plan it out, every meticulous detail, make sure that everything is in place. After all, you need to say a final goodbye. You need to leave a final goodbye, for the ones you love. For the ones who love you.
Write and tell your parents that you love them more than your words will ever describe. Tell them exactly what you’d like during your funeral, help them out with the hardest day of their life, the day they lost their child. Write down all the good memories they’ve given you, and everything they did – all the sacrifices, all the compromises, all the times they put you first. Appreciate them, because you won’t get a chance to ever again. Tell your parents that you love them, one last time. Your mother will get the “I love you” in your handwriting tattooed on her hand. Tell her not to. Tell her to forget her eighteen year old princess. Your dad will never eat fish again. The bones will pierce his soul as he will miss his little angel.
Write to your younger sister. make sure that it’s the longest letter. Tell her how proud of her you are. make sure she knows that she wasn’t the reason you left. She is just ten. The age where conscious memories begin. Don’t tell her your favourite songs. She knows them anyway – and she’ll keep listening to them over and over again trying to find your screams for help. She will be disgusted with herself, to not see her sister broken and in despair. She probably will never forgive herself (Even if it wasn’t her mistake, but you won’t be there to tell her that again.) Tell her you love her, in all caps. Tell her she was your favourite human because she deserves nothing less.
Write to your roommate, apologise to her for the state she found you in. Tell her to call the ambulance. Find her another roommate. This isn’t easy on her, you know? Tell her that her advice was the only thing keeping you alive all this while. She will need psychological help. Leave her the number to a helpline. Don’t forget to say sorry to her, over and over again. Be nice, for once in your life. And don’t make fun of her height.
Write to your friends and tell them your social media passwords and tell them to delete the cringeworthy conversations, and update them with memorial photos and long messages. Know that they probably won’t do it. Not because they don’t care, but because seeing your profiles will make them sadder than your death. Tell them to regularly tag you in funny photos, and tell them that you will appreciate them from heaven or hell. They won’t ever look at memes again.
Write to the love of your life, about how every touch of his made you feel more alive than you ever did otherwise. Be grateful for all the love and cuddles at 2 AM when you couldn’t think straight and wanted to end it all right there. He will never sleep at night again, wondering if there’s anyone he needs to call to save. Tell him to look for other lovers. Don’t tie him to your dead self. Send him a voice note so he can find his solace in WhatsApp. Tell him to delete the voice note again and again.
Write to the shopkeeper you go to every day. He will miss your daily conversations with him. He will miss you asking for a discount on cigarettes. He will miss your politeness, he will miss your inquisitiveness. And every time it rains, he will leave a packet of reds on his counter with a candle which will carry your name. After all, you’re the only one who asks him how his day has been. In the hundreds of people who visited him, you were the only one who cared.
Write to everyone you’ve made a difference to. Every single person who’s lives you’ve touched. If you think there’s no one who appreciates you, write your suicide letter. When you do, you’ll realise what you’re leaving, what you’re hurting and the sick, strange torture you’ll release with your last breath. Write your suicide letter to remind yourself that your pain will never be greater than the pain on the faces of the ones you will love till your last breath.
Write your suicide letter, and then tear it into pieces because you can hurt yourself but don’t you dare hurt the ones you mentioned in there. You deserve to live as much as they don’t deserve to feel pain.