1. Text your boys that the breakup happened.
We might want to talk, but we can’t at this point. We’re too upset. So, we simply let the boys know it went down so they know the reason for the next eight points on this list.
2. Isolate yourself in the apartment.
It would be awesome to go out with our friends that weekend, but we can’t just yet. Instead we tell everyone despondently that we’re “not really up for going out tonight.”
3. Binge Watch TV Shows.
The couch becomes base camp. Days off—we’re there. Nighttime—we’ll most likely be there then too. We’ll re-watch the entirety of The Office or catch up on How I Met Your Mother and just wonder how things could’ve gone differently. We relate to Ted on a whole new level. Also, don’t assume I haven’t seen all of Sex And The City just because I’m a guy.
4. Sleep on the couch.
We were already there from crushing that Netflix marathon so we may as well just call a spade a spade and pass out in the middle of this episode that we’ve seen a hundred times. It’s far more preferable to hauling our ass up and trudging twenty feet to our bedroom—especially if we lived with the person who is now out of our life. The bed is off-limits now, but will gradually re-emerge as a useful belonging in about a month or so.
5. Finally go out with the boys.
A night out makes everything better—well at least for the few hours that we’re out of the house. Friends buy us drinks and tell us, “You’re so much better off.” We have fun and remember what it’s like to have fun WITH OTHER PEOPLE…
6. Stop checking social media and our phones for texts/calls.
The relationship is over. We’ve realized it. Checking Facebook won’t get us back together and looking at our phone won’t make her call or text. It’s over, and after another week or two we’ll start at least telling people that we’re cool with it.
7. Find someone new.
This is the one and only guarantee to get over a breakup. The sooner it happens, the better. When it does happen, we look back and wonder why we were so upset about the former breakup. Then, when things don’t work out with this one, we get upset all over again.
8. Repeat these phases after each relationship.
Until you find the one that lasts.