It snowed yesterday, so I thought we would have to cancel this interview. Currently, though, it’s cold, but the snow is melting. The trains are working, though there are puddles at the bottom of the stairs when you go down to the platform. It’s the kind of day that makes you want to wrap yourself in knit blankets and masturbate. But, as I was waking up this morning, my body texted me that he is available, and I can’t desert him. We’re at a Starbucks on 2nd avenue in Manhattan. My body is sipping one of those “Starbucks Reserve” coffees from Sumatra. He also has a chocolate croissant.
Harris: So, body, hello. Here we are. Wanted to pin you down for an interview. Feel like I don’t know you too well. How’s it hanging?
Body: You fucker. Who the hell do you think you are? You’ve eaten crap for the past three weeks. I am a salt lick, these days. Yesterday, your breakfast was two leftover noodles from a Pad See Ew and the peanut oil on top of the peanut butter jar. And then you did SantaCon in the snow with no underwear. You also masturbate too much, which I try not to bring up because I know it’s a sore spot. But you do.
Harris: I apologize.
Body: *looks down at table* *traces wood grain on table w/ finger*
Harris: Well…erhm…I just published an eBook.
Body: *bites chocolate croissant*
Harris: Agh. OK. I understand that you’re frustrated but look. I’m not going to sit here and do the whole “I love you so much and I’m so thankful for my body” thing. I wrote a book, and I think that’s thanks enough.
Body: ….K. What’s it about?
Harris: Well, it’s not necessarily about you, or not about only you, but it’s about the relationship human beings have with their bodies generally. I think this is interesting. Sometimes we respect our bodies, and sometimes we don’t; sometimes we’re afraid of what will happen to them, and sometimes we abuse them. Sometimes we buy people, too. Sometimes we fuck ourselves up. Sometimes we sell ourselves. Sometimes we get blown up. Sometimes we get put back together. Sometimes we pay people to cut us open and put us back together.
Harris: I wrote about getting called back for The Voice, and how that experience made me realize how so many things we do – sing, write, dance – are mere accidents of our bodies being built well. I wrote about being attacked by bedbugs in Morocco. I also wrote an entire essay about how enigmatic you are. You’re like Prince. Or maybe James Franco.
Body: James Franco is a nutsack.
Harris: I see your point.
Body: Why’d you decide to publish an eBook anyway?
Harris: It was a way for me to go through pretty much everything I’ve written over the past two years, and choose the best stuff. I also did a lot of editing – I fixed parts of things that I’d published in the past. And there are some previously unpublished things in the book, too, like a beautiful email I received recently, and some insane GChats I’ve had with a person I really love.
Body: I’ll check it out.
Harris: Alright, thanks man.
Body: *finishes coffee and leaves*