6 Colors Your Poop Can Be, And What They Mean

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Grey Poop

You are an introvert. Actually, sorry. This means you are not producing enough bile. That, or your bile is not being absorbed by your poop. Keep a close eye on it. Could mean Hepatitis.

White Poop

Poop of the gods. Poop of Homer and Tacitus. Poop of Hatshepsut. Eminent poops. True, even unto their innermost parts.

There is an unpublished treatise by Aristotle in which describes the glory of pooping white. It was recently uncovered in Thessaloniki. The treatise describes the smell of white poop, which is supposedly redolent of honey, nostalgia, and elderberry oil. Apparently they used to remove cylinders of white poop from their troughs, slice them into thin discs, and lay them out in the sun to dry. There were collectors of these discs; it was similar to “Pogs” in the early 1990s.

Blonde Poop

Look at me, said blonde poop. Do what you want with me. I’ve always been a masochist; in first grade, my elementary school teacher made me sit up so straight I developed herniated discs in my spine. So I’m ready.  I can take it, I swear. I used to think I had OCD, but they recently diagnosed me as not having it – I’m just a little bit anxious sometimes, but I’m ready for anything. Work hard, play hard, right? I think you’re funny. Are you gonna say anything? Boys are always so boring. There’s a great sushi place nearby if you want to go there? It’s called Haru. I think it’s a chain but I’m not sure? Are you mad at me? Am I talking too much?

Black Poop

Oh, what does this mean. Black poop: a looking glass for our souls. We turn ourselves inward – our retinas facing backward, into our eye sockets. Coal, ebony, outer space. Poop of silence; nothingness; nirvana.

Mint Green Poop

EeeeeeeeeeEEE!!! I can’t even believe u know where to find me babiee. U free ce soir? I was kind of thinking we’d maybe get some thai, watch OITNB, fuzzy and blankettsss, etc. U know. Ur fucking hilarious, said mint green poop.

Red Poop

In a 2010 Vogue interview, Beyoncé admits to pooping red once, after a particularly rousing performance during her Dangerously In Love tour. She did it in the bathroom of the Setai Hotel’s penthouse, in Miami Beach. Hotel staff took a few pictures, and a few of them tweeted it (without Beyoncé’s consent).

One member of the Setai’s staff, a self-proclaimed “Beyoncé monster,” reportedly kept approx. ½ teaspoon of the poop, wrapping it in Saran Wrap and hiding it in her wallet.

A few weeks later, on Ellen, Beyoncé expressed gratitude for the staffer’s holding onto her vermilion dung: “Can I believe it? No! That’s dedication, Ellen. I mean, really. Shit.”

For practical advice re: the colors of your poop, click here.