You told me once that you would never leave me. No matter what comes through in our life we would always stick together. You said you would be there when my anxiety attacked and you’d order takeout when we felt lazy.
But like they say, nothing lasts forever.
There was this certain moment in our life when we just knew that things won’t work out. Our instinct tells us that this is not good and everything is falling apart.
I knew that you no longer wanted to stay with me. You were not interested in us anymore. I also knew that you didn’t want to be the villain of our love story. The one who let go of what should have been. The one who would become the subject of my articles, poems, and short stories.
But don’t worry.
I will write about you but not as the armed-entity who shots everybody with 14-carat guns but rather I will write you as a person. Someone who fell out of love, like me. Somebody who, like anyone out there, gives up on a relationship. A person that will someday say “it’s not you, it’s me” and just walk away.
I will write about you for a while so I can heal myself. I will write about you so I can figure out why you didn’t fight for us. To see if we see it coming to an end. To know where we failed. I will write you for now until I come to accept that we both failed each other.
But please, when it is time for you to leave, don’t you dare say goodbye and say “it’s not you, it’s me”. I am not a fool. My mind is not fucked up to not realize the hint of you curing the wounds in my heart when all you are doing is pouring the alcohol on it. You are not obliged to say that it is not my fault and it is yours. It is our fault. Because if it is you then you won’t leave. You will talk to me and we’ll both figure it out. You will ask me for help and I will help you. I will help you and you will stay. You are not going to be an anchor dragging us down the ocean and drowning us with our scars and memories.
Don’t you dare say goodbye when you leave because I can’t bear it. I don’t want to see your eyes in that goodbye for the last time and you will no longer look back. I cannot bear to see your eyes saying goodbye when all I can see is you looking at me when we make love and speak love to me.
I must not see your mouth — its curve, and color-me-red whisper in the wind caressing my ears every night because when you do leave, your whisper will haunt me. My body will become haunted by your ghost. I won’t let myself to see you and say goodbye because I’m going to cry blood for months. Self-loathing will become my battle cry and with this battle, I’m going to lose.
You should not see me when you leave because if I see your feet, legs, thighs, arms, hands, fingers, and your body that once pinned me down in bed I won’t allow you to leave and we will fuck each other for the last time. That is not the closure I want but for me to heal myself alone.
Don’t say goodbye. Just leave. Walk away. Never apologize. Never explain. Because I fucking know.
I know that nothing lasts forever and if it is us, you and I will always stay.
Because if it is us, you will never say good bye and leave me; I should’ve chase you and let you stay.
Because if it is us, I should’ve never written about us.