New Slang For Literate Teenage Boys
Atlas Shrug: (n)
A prolonged state of intense apathy felt toward one’s AP World History coursework.
Darkness at Noon: (n)
The final thirty minutes of class before lunch in which concentration and productivity are made near-impossible by extreme feelings of abdominal and cranial emptiness, onset of seemingly random, debilitating, ‘shame-slouch’-inducing erections.
Infinite Jest: (n)
One’s phallus; used braggingly.
For Whom the Bell Tolls: (n)
A marijuana-enthused friend or acquaintance who spends a disconcerting amount of time and money at a local Taco Bell.
Mamet: (n)
A cool bearded teacher.
HTML-Reliant: (adj)
State of being after having sacrificed a good chunk of one’s evening of potential school-related productivity, maintenance of proper personal hygiene and sufficient sleep at the hands of constant oscillation between and page-refreshing of 4-5 literature-themed blogs and websites. (HTMLGIANT, Goodreads, The Poetry Foundation, Bookslut, NYT Books Section etc.)
Pathetic Fallacy: (n)
A peer’s phallus; used mockingly.
McSweeney: (v)
Unattainably attractive female’s consistently swift, merciful rejection of one’s most fully-formed and thoughtful works of romantic persuasion or advancement.
Rhetorical Device: (n)
A phallus; tonally indifferent.
Deus Ex Machina: (n)
Having found a pair of clean underwear, appearing at random beneath layers of dirty clothes when one’s late for school.
Exposition: (n)
A peer’s newly formed, creepy, pedophilically sparse upper lip hair gone unchecked for weeks.
Dictation: (n)
Masturbation, typically DH Lawrence-fueled.
Couplet: (n)
An unendearingly twee couple; used disdainfully.
Charlotte: (n, adj)
Attractive female generally agreed upon by one’s friends to be attractive.
Emily: (n, adj)
Attractive, ‘signal-radiating’ female generally agreed upon, in solitude, by one’s friends to be attractive, but when brought up in conversation is mostly referred to as ‘weird,’ ‘stalkerish’ and ‘brand-hungry’ because of her swiftness in following all of one’s internet presences, frequently asking for ‘book recommendations.’
Ann: (n, adj)
Attractive female generally agreed upon, in solitude, by one’s friends to be attractive; is never brought up in conversation.
Roman a clef: (n)
A friend’s improbable narrative of a sexual encounter.
Heart of Darkness: (n)
Hovering parental unit.