Game Shows I Wish Existed
Wheel of Existentialism
In this adapted version of Wheel of Fortune, the host (Franz Kafka) asks the three contestants how much money they’d like to walk away with at the end of the game. After completing the first two rounds, Kafka will take the contestants aside to play the “Hubris Round,” in which they will be asked questions like, “How confident are you that you will win this game?” and, depending on their responses and how confident they are, two of them will be drowned/ shot/ eaten. The winner goes home with the money, and his life.
Pyramid
New World Order conspiracy theorists compete to see who among them is the most mentally unstable/ lives in their mom’s basement “most intensely.”
Is It Organic?
This show would air on the Food Network or that one Food Network spinoff channel that tries to appeal to young people. Typical contestants would be vegans, foodies, “progressive soccer moms” who put organic apple juice in their kid’s lunches, the children of the “progressive soccer moms” (probably named Ethan), and also homeless people. The contestants would have to discern whether or not the food presented to them is organic or not, bonus points if they can determine what level of organic certification the food has.
Hotspot Hunter
This thirty-minute show would air either before or after Jeopardy. It would consist of 2-5 contestants running around an urban area with laptops in search of working and unprotected WiFi hotspots. The show’s host will be a Scandinavian bro named Sven.
Televised Monopoly
Great Monopoly players join together to play a televised version of this classic board game (occasionally featuring celebrities or prolific bankers). It would basically just be regular Monopoly, except played in a darkened Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?-esque chamber and scored to dramatic music.
So You Think You Can Refinance
The contestants on this show are couples who need to escape from under their adjustable-rate mortgages for something more secure that won’t lead them into foreclosure. While the contestants will change from episode to episode, the show will have two permanent fixtures playing the show’s villains, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. The contestants will rarely win, and most of the episodes will end in a segment endearingly referred to by Freddie and Fannie as “Economic Collapse!”
Let’s Make a Deal
A lot like the original Let’s Make a Deal, except that contestants will compete to win illicit drugs instead of money. People will still dress up in crazy costumes, except this time it’s because they’re all high.
El Precio Es Correcto
Spanish version of The Price is Right. This is probably already a thing.