I Want Just One Great Love. That’s All.

image - Flickr / super awesome
image – Flickr / super awesome

Call it what you want, but I had my GREAT love and once was enough. When I was a little girl, I had imagined true love to be, “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary…” as Olivia Pope would describe it. Now, all I can say is, Olivia, you’re out of your fucking mind. My honeymoon stage started a year and half before our relationship began and ended after a week of spring break, basically doomed from the beginning. For me it was a love at first touch, lust perhaps. I spent my last three years of college, “Truly Madly Deeply,” (yes I just quoted Savage Garden) in love. They were the best/worst years of my life.

Sometimes I tell myself I should write a book based on the relationship… IT WAS THAT UNBELIEVABLY INSANE. I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I loved my ex. The moment he first put his arm around my waist something shot through my soul. From that moment forward, every part of me felt some part of him with me, every second of every minute. Every minute of every hour, every hour of every day. Trust me, I realize that sounds tragically pathetic.

Don’t get me wrong, I will never regret loving him. He taught me various things:

  1. Don’t let your Boyfriend’s friends pour beer on your head off a balcony while being thrown out of his party because he’s blacked out wasted and throwing up.
  2. Don’t let him stand outside the bars screaming, “You’re a fucking slut!” in front of his dad and the rest of campus.
  3. Don’t let him do it on mom’s weekend either.
  4. When they say they are at home, don’t drive to their house, chances are they are lying and you’re just going to be even more psycho than you already are. Which leads me to #5…
  5. Don’t be act like a psychotic bitch…
  6. Don’t read their Facebook messages and then let them know you read them… THEY WILL CHANGE THEIR PASSWORD AND THEN DE-FRIEND YOU ON FACEBOOK.
  7. Additionally, if your boyfriend won’t be your FB friend, chances are they’re shady.
  8. If you break up on a monthly basis… RED FUCKING FLAG DUDE.
  9. If he address you as Bitch… “Bitch, shut the fuck up!”… Well, that should be obvious.
  10. If he rips off your teddy bears head…he obviously has anger issues.

Now at this point you’re probably saying to yourself, “WHAT THE FUCK?” (I am too). Don’t worry, I didn’t even list the bad things. Our love was an addiction. We were addicted to the pain whether it was physical, mental or emotional. We wanted each other in the unhealthiest of ways. I would say that it was probably sickening to our friends how much we constantly needed each other. We needed to fight so that we could break up, so that we could have the pain of fighting to be together, all too just repeat, over and over again.

My GREAT love was just that, “painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary…”. How could it have possibly been any bit extraordinary? For the first time, I loved one of my boyfriends with my soul. I felt it through every nerve and every inch of my entire body. It was so painful in both a good and bad way that it made me want to stop breathing sometimes. It made us take arguments to the extreme, with our emotions on high and hearts beating out of our chests. Every kiss was magic and every fight was tragic. I pray to god to never find another GREAT love. I want my second love to be peaceful and light hearted. I honestly don’t think my body would be able to emotionally or physically handle anything more than that. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

For more raw, powerful writing follow Heart Catalog here.

More From Thought Catalog