Let’s face it, being a female and having other female friends is pretty awesome. You can do brunch, talk shit about your ex-boyfriends, drink wine in sweatpants, and vent about all of the things in life that men just can’t understand. There’s nothing better than a great best girlfriend. Best girlfriends are the women that cheer you on, support you, encourage you, and ultimately add joy to your life… until you start to realize that maybe some don’t.
There’s a moment when the truth hits you and it hits you hard. My moment happened when I was standing in a well lit dressing room in a little black bikini staring at my phone. You see, I am a 150 lb woman who doesn’t hate her body but definitely has swimsuit purchase commitment issues. I felt exceptionally pretty in this swimsuit… confident even. For six months I had been dedicated to working out and eating clean(er). This was the first swimsuit I had tried on since the 17 lbs had fallen off and I was feeling nothing shy of Pamela Anderson in her Baywatch days. Of course, I had to send a picture to the group chat for the opinions of my two favorite girls.
My phone buzzed. It was my boyfriend who I had also sent the picture to.
“YES!!! I love it baby! You look absolutely amazing.”
While I was trying to calm my smile thinking of how all of my hard work has paid off my phone buzzed again. It was my girls.
“You look pudgier… maybe it’s the fit.”
“Those bottoms highlight your stomach buldge.”
As I walked out of the store with no bathing suit in hand, I was thinking of how I could possibly get out of the beach trip I had planned with such excitement. I couldn’t possibly change my body to look better in a week. I was having so many shameful thoughts about my less than perfect physique when it occurred to me that I was just so proud of my body less than 30 minutes ago. What changed?
You see, this wasn’t the first time I had been torn down by the two ladies that I cherished as my best friends. It seemed like I was never good enough. I was ridiculed when I couldn’t afford to take a spontaneous trip to Nashville due to work. The relationship with the man I love was constantly picked apart because we choose to not yet marry. I was even accused of being a bad friend because I had to decline several nights out due to having to take care of my ill mother. I was always the friend who sucked.
A true friend will understand without belittling. She will give you valuable honesty without judging and making you feel lesser. I wasn’t living a toxic lifestyle but yet my “friends” always had an unpleasant opinion. I started to ask myself “what exactly is this friendship adding to my life?” I couldn’t come up with one positive thing with the exception of some happy memories and even those would always be behind us. In that dressing room, it hit me. I didn’t have the friendship I once had.
Were these ladies bad people? Not at all. What started out years ago as a fun relationship had turned stale. People change. People grow. Lives move at different paces. Some friendships are meant to last forever and some aren’t. Some friendships are glamorous. Some are low maintenance. My life didn’t allow me the same path as these two ladies. To them, I had become the friend who sucks… and that is perfectly alright.