We were never together, but I always wanted us to be. We acted like a regular couple: we loved, we fought, we conquered and we broke down. It was never official on paper but it was official in my mind. We would wake up to one another, we would talk for hours, and we would scream how much we missed one another if we went too long without contact.
We cared for another. I know we did. But, the levels of our affection were what inevitably tore us apart. I loved you, I adored you, I only ever wanted you. You liked me, you thought I was funny, you always wanted other people.
I ignored the red flags. I shut the door of my consciousness and only let my heart lead the way. I ignored your past; I thought I could change it. I thought I could change you. Re-write the way your brain worked. You had never been in a relationship, lived a quarter of your life without knowing or experiencing the magic of being in love. It broke my heart, I made it my own personal mission to let you feel love, to let you love me. When you told me you wanted to just be friends, I pushed and pushed until you broke my heart.
I had always been an insecure girl, I never felt good enough for you, I always knew our friends were more your type, but for some reason you chose me. I felt so stupid when I found out what had been happening behind my back. You had been seeing her – my best friend. How could I be so blind? These thoughts immediately flooded through my mind when suddenly it clicked. The question I should’ve really been asking myself. How could I have pushed you into her arms? Nights when I felt ugly or low I would cancel last minute and leave you with her, I trusted you. I trusted both of you. When I was drunk and I would slur insults in your direction and question you on how you felt about her, accuse you of loving her and not me.
You broke my heart this week. Just after 8 months of knowing each other you did your worst and I took the fall and lost everything.
Truth is, you can’t force someone to love you.
No matter how much love I had inside me for you. I couldn’t force you to replicate that. I couldn’t make you feel an emotion that just wasn’t there. If I’d have accepted this sooner, none of this would’ve happened. I lay awake at night and blame myself for all that has happened. I blame myself for breaking me and I blame myself for breaking you.
In the end of all of this, I only hope great things for you. For the time being the thought of your face or the sound of your name builds a fire inside me but I know this is not a feeling I will endure for long. I can’t hate you. I did this to you. I pushed you to her. It’s like handing a dog a bone then getting angry when it runs away with it. I ended our love before it even began. My own insecurities will kill me, but you, my friend, never will.