I never thought in a million years a day would come where I would be here and you wouldn’t. To this day, I can’t decipher whether I truly thought you were invincible, or whether I thought you were simply too important to one day be gone. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter what I thought. You’re gone. That’s it. 9 years later, I still can’t accept it.
The truth is, I never thought I’d have to learn how to live without you, but you made me. You took all the heart I poured into you, all the time and energy that I spent learning how to love you the right way, and you decided that it wasn’t enough to make you stay. You left me with nothing more than a memory of all you were to me, and now, I’m deciding that isn’t enough either.
I deserve more than just a memory, more than just a picture. I deserve to feel you near. I deserve to wake up without the weight of your loss towering over me. I deserve to not have to carry the guilt of not saying all the things I should’ve said.
The truth is, I’m still angry. I’m so angry. Angry deep in my bones. I’m angry because you left and I stayed. I’m angry that you’re at peace and I’m fighting these battles without you. I’m angry because all those times you said you’d never leave me turned out to be one big lie.
This isn’t how I am supposed to remember you. I’m supposed to let you go and carry all the good times with me. My heart is supposed to be overflowing with love and joy remembering all the love that we shared. I’m not supposed to think of you and see pillars of gray around a once beating heart.
But this is how I’m fixing myself. This is how I choose to heal. Trust me, I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I guess the only way to move on from you is forgetting you were ever here.
Because the truth is, love, I had to heal without you.