There’s been a lot of talk on Thought Catalog about dating and “red flags” lately. But can we all just be honest and admit something? Love and dating make everyonecrazy.
I never really thought it would happen to me — I thought I’d be the cool, blasé one; the one who never lost their head. I likened myself to a Kat Stratford-10-Things-I-Hate-About-You character, although if a boy who looked like Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace) was chasing me, I’d totally fall for him regardless of his intentions. (Although, if he sang to be over the speakers during gym class, I might not. I just can’t handle that kind of attention/embarrassment.)
But relationships are weird and cause you to completely lose your shit no matter what. I can always tell when I’m really starting to fall for someone, because my shit gets lost in a certain pattern.
1. I’ll Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and LinkedIn stalk you.
Yeah, you read that right. I’ll even go to LinkedIn, the professional networking site, just to find out what your hobbies are and if you’re going to be successful someday. A while back a good friend of mine had deleted his Facebook (because he’s just that hipster), so he had no way to stalk his crush. Hello, LinkedIn. Ever since, it’s my go to, because it’s as though their profiles are applications to your heart.
2. I’ll post things on Facebook or Twitter that I think you may like or may find funny.
If I know you’re online, I’ll purposely post something because maybe, just maybe, you’ll see it and be like “Oh, she’s online too! I should Facebook chat her all my feelings and emotions about her.” Bam. Instant love connection.
3. Or, if you have Instagram…
For some reason, a majority of the dudes I’m into are not on their Insta game. Part of me thinks this is okay, because that way they aren’t posting selfies on the regular. (Now I know, girls post selfies all the time, why is it weird when guys do it? I DON’T KNOW, OKAY?) But another part of me wishes I could use that selfie game to win their affection and one more like on my photo.
4. Not talk to you.
Ah, the good ol’ “hard to get” game. It’s complete and absolute bullshit, and I know, because I used it with every boy in junior high, and none of them ended up liking me. Now, of course that could just be because I had braces and bleached hair in junior high (never again), or because I wore too much Aeropostale (again, never again), but playing hard to get never worked.
Nowadays, it’s not so much that I think it’s endearing, it’s just I’m usually too shy to know what to say, or I’ll say something utterly insane. Just the other day, a guy came up to me and told me that I was super tall. Instead of responding like a normal human, I said, “Oh, thanks, I grew all by myself.” He just walked away. Not talking is way easier.
5. Check my phone every 5 minutes, even though the ringer is on high.
Just like honesty and compassion are integral ingredients to a healthy relationship, so is texting. I need you to send me emojis. I need to know when you’re lol-ing at my jokes. Good communication is key, and my go-to communication outlet is texting, because there’s less of a chance I’ll say something awkward, and if I do, and I can just re-draft the text 4-5 times. Please text me back, and do so in a timely fashion, because waiting 30 minutes for a response to “Hey, what are you doing?” is just fucking insane. It’s not that difficult of a question to answer.
6. Have my roommates text you.
If you’re lucky enough to be friends with my roommates (yes, lucky), chances are every so often you’ll get a text from them asking what you’re up to tonight. That’s because I told them to casually seem like they wanted to hang out. Because I’ve already triple texted you today, and I really can’t go for a fourth, because that’s heading into stalker territory.
7. Tell you I’m not into dating.
Everyone is into dating on some level or another. I usually like to pretend I’m just looking for something casual, but truth be told, I wouldn’t mind dating you. Just know that “dating” in my world means sitting on the couch, watching Netflix, and making mac and cheese for dinner. It could even be Easy Mac. I don’t give a shit.
8. Not dance with you.
A) Grinding is disgusting a plague upon this earth, and that’s most likely what will happen on the dance floor.
B) I’m really tall and have a lot of limbs that even after 20 years of life I don’t know what to do with.
9. Ask my friends if they think you’re into me… a lot.
My friends hate me when I start to like someone. This is because I’ll be texting them non-stop for advice, sending them screen shots of our texting conversations, and begging the question, “DO THEY REALLY LIKE ME, Y/N?” Because I really just can’t be trusted to figure that out on my own yet.
10. Create ridiculous scenarios in my head that have no chance of occurring in reality. (Read: reality is both boring and a bitch.)
I’ll be walking home from class and bump into you on the street. You’ll ask me to get coffee and we’ll spend the whole afternoon talking and laughing. You fall in love with me somewhere between our second and third cup.
Or, we’ll be at a party, and I’ll go outside for a cigarette (imaginary me is really unhealthy), and you’ll follow me out. We’ll ditch the party because all we really want to do is talk to each other.
Sadly, these things never happen. I walk home from class alone, eager to get back to my bed and my Netflix queue. And at parties you get really drunk and I spill beer on myself and leave early, so we never really talk, and I go home to my bed and Netflix queue.
11. Start to “get” Taylor Swift.