1. You don’t date. Or, if you do, a “date” is a really loose term that basically means watching a movie and making out on the couch. Or drunkenly making out with frat boys in bars. The boy doesn’t call you back. Whatever, like you remember what he looked like anyway, right? You’re too busy being awesome on your own.
2. You wear yoga pants every day. People who claim leggings aren’t pants are the bane of your existence. You only wear jeans on laundry day. Likewise, the shirt you’re wearing right now came from the dirty clothes basket. It’s fine: you Febreze’d it, which is basically the same as washing it.
3. You’d like to think you’re through with comparing yourself to others, but you’re definitely not. Someone is always going to be pretty, better dressed, or more successful. But you’ll get there someday. That day isn’t right now, but you know it will happen. This gives you room to grow.
4. You apologize over text and ignore the issue in person. Or you wait for them to apologize first.
5. You haven’t seen your bedroom floor in weeks. Your bed also has crumbs in it from late night binge snacking and Netflix watching. Don’t be ashamed of this. This is the best Friday night ever.
6. It’s nearly impossible for you to be open about your feelings, which usually leads to you ugly-crying outside the bar, drunk-texting your ex-boyfriend. (Note: I promise this phase will pass. This might happen multiple weekends in a row, but you will stop calling him.)
7. Sadly, you do critique others. Usually it’s celebs on embarrassing reality TV shows (which you watch religiously). You also take other’s critiques to heart. You just care too much, you know?
8. You’re terribly self-conscious. You want to get to a point where you can be as comfortable with your body as Hannah Horvath is on Girls. You’re working on it.
9. Vitamins? Maybe Flinstones’ Gummies. Also, you’re on a steady diet of beer and late-night pizza. Don’t feel too bad about this — it;s delicious and fun. You can always jog it off tomorrow. Or finish your leftovers.
10. You call in sick to work from being hung over… frequently.
11. You don’t fight with your parents… mostly because you forget to call them a lot. It’s not that you don’t love them. You’re just busy. But you always remember to call if you need help with rent.
12. “They got ____ and I didn’t? That’s not fair!” — A memoir by you.
13. You love giving compliments. Making people feel good is important to you. You aren’t a monster. But when it comes to taking compliments… you gotta learn. Deflecting and saying, “Oh my God, nooooo!” is your patented move.
It’s fine if you’re not a grown ass woman yet. We’re never really done growing. We’re young and naïve and insecure, but the upside is, we won’t always be. The first step to moving on is admitting. So here it goes: I am not a grown ass woman. But I will be, someday.