I am not a fan of the term “basic bitch.” But if I were, I would probably call this article a list of my finest basic bitch complaints. As I write this perched under my pink fluffy duvet with a chai latte to my right, I urge you to understand that I really do understand my privilege. It’s all good, it’s all in check. I’m just looking for a little confirmation that I’m not the only gal out there that feels first world pain and isn’t afraid to admit it.
I am a complainer by nature (ask my ex, I’m sure he’ll testify) and maybe a little bit of a ~diva~ sometimes, but hey, I am who I am. So if you love Starbucks more than your siblings, take more time in the bathroom in the morning than you do asleep at night, and have debated going to the doctor to be diagnosed with texting thumb, please read on and share my sorrows. I think we could be friends. Here are 25 of the worst, and most basic, first world problems:
1. When you can’t Snapchat someone back because you just showered. It’s not fair that boys always look nice (or at least the same) at all times of day, whereas my nightly shower is a tsunami with no avail, washing my attractiveness away with my makeup and hair products.
2. When the wifi signal bar says it’s working but nothing will actually load. The only thing I hate more than a liar is the inability to send an iMessage.
3. When you have to go to the bathroom after painting your nails. You seriously have to plan your bowel movements around your cuticle care.
4. When you put too much sugar in your coffee/tea. There’s no coming back from that dark place.
5. When it’s getting dark out and there’s no more natural lighting for selfies. Filters can only help so much, you know.
6. When one of your headphones is quieter than the other. Beyoncé never wanted me to hear her like this.
7. When Instagram crops your picture too much. The background of one’s picture is never not important.
8. When you don’t get enough likes on your picture in the first few minutes. Why hasn’t anyone liked it? Did I use the wrong filter? Should I delete it? Why does everyone hate me?
9. When you can’t leave your car because you forgot your umbrella and/or raincoat and don’t want to ruin your hair. You think I spent 15 minutes with a hot iron in my hair for it to be exposed to this frizz-inducing f*ckery?
10. When your lipstick bleeds into the cracks in the skin around your lips. I’m positive that this is karma from that one time I pushed my brother off the swings.
11. When restaurants have wifi passwords. I thought we were friends. I guess not.
12. When you try to find a bra to wear with a halter-top. Newsflash: it never works.
13. When you have no hand sanitizer in your purse after pumping gas. I mean I’m sure this would be an issue if I actually pumped my own gas.
14. When it’s too cold on Halloween to wear the skimpy costume you had planned. How am I supposed to be a hula dancer in -30 degrees? Ruin the holidays why don’t you, Mother Nature.
15. When your embarrassing relatives comment on your Facebook posts. The effort is always appreciated though, don’t get me wrong.
16. When your eye shadow creases. I swear my eyelids don’t sweat so why does this happen???
17. When you want to wear a backless top but your tan lines look like birth defects. I am not an animal; I am a human being (who has been betrayed by the sun).
18. When you’re in the middle of something important on your phone or laptop and it dies. I trusted you.
19. When your outfit doesn’t have any pockets so you don’t know where to put your hands. The worst is the first day you stop wearing your coat in the spring and your hands feel beyond exposed without their safe havens.
20. When you’re not in town when your favorite artist comes on tour. Come on guys, work with me here.
21. When you eat too much and your waistband feels too tight. Why can’t it be socially acceptable to undo your button every once and a while?
22. When you get the new iPhone and you have to adjust to the bigger size. The day I realized the 6 was too big for my going-out wristlet was a very sad day.
23. When someone with a long torso sits in front of you at a movie/play/concert. The back of your head is ridiculous and all, but I never deserved this cruel fate.
24. When your socks get wet. It’s like all of a sudden I know what it felt like in the trenches during WWI. Gangrene and athlete’s foot scare me more than they should.
25. When the storage is full on your iMac or iPhone. Get rid of the iBooks and Health apps, please, just let me download the Kardashian apps.
Wow, it’s so hard to be privileged, am I right? I hate myself, but I KNOW there’s someone else out there that feels my pain. Until I have an iPhone with unlimited storage and a personal assistant to dote on my every need, I’ll probably still be out here complaining. And for that, I am truly sorry, my friends. I am ashamed, but I sure as hell know that I am not alone.