What It Feels Like To Fall, What It Feels Like To Get Back Up

I know what it feels like, to be so infatuated with someone that you forget to eat your meals; the world slows down and speeds up all at the same time, you lose focus but focus in on one thing and that one thing is your world and you’d do anything. I know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to sit beside the hospital bed and hold hands with someone you love so much that you can’t stand to see them in pain and wonder why the hell the doctors are hooking them up to that shit, and ask God why the hell this is happening. I know what it feels like to say goodbye to your best pal. I know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to know you were wrong, very wrong, and that you may never be able to make it right. The paralyzing fear that you fucked up so badly that you lost someone forever. You lost someone. Forever. The crippling anxiety you get when you are on the bathroom floor crying alone because you were wrong. I know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to have your heart literally torn in two, the aching physical pain that comes with a broken heart; even if you broke your own. I know what it feels like to have your best friends take shifts sleeping in your bed with you so you don’t have night terrors. I know what that feels like.

And yet,

I know what it feels like to crawl your way out of the depths; to be so happy that you feel full to the brim and overflowing with joy for no reason other than that you are alive. I know what it feels like to be like a flower, to point your face at the sun and melt beneath the warm rays kissing your eyelashes. I know what it feels like to fly when you spread your arms wide on top of a mountain and scream at the top of your lungs because release is the best medicine. I know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to hold onto the people you love, to hug your best friends like they’re what’s saving you; because they are. I know what it feels like to wake up and feel a little more okay every day because you know you’re not alone. I know what it feels like to break your own heart, to strip yourself down to your very core and begin again. I know what it feels like to start being grateful for the things we take for granted; waking up, food, a roof over your head. I know what that feels like.

I know what it feels like to physically feel love all around you; from the trees and the grass, your best friends, your family; strangers. I know what that feels like.

How you may be feeling right now, right in this moment? I may not know what it feels like. Yet still I know you will feel chaos and wonder and confusion; time and time again. Your mind will be messy; there will be lightning in your veins, and thunder in your soul. You will want to yell in a world that tells you to whisper.

You will be handed hatred, cynicism, heartbreak; time and time again. Your integrity and your character and your very being will be challenged. But you will answer with love because you know what that feels like. TC mark

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