I always wanted to be the cool girlfriend. You know, the girlfriend that your boyfriend could brag to his buddies about, and go to bed thinking, “Damn I got lucky”. I just wanted to be the girl who was always supportive, never naggy, and certainly not jealous. Four years, a long distance relationship and a lack of communication later, I’m sitting here, well on my way to becoming the infamous crazy ex girlfriend.
Before I blame myself for everything, I am going to give a shout out to technology, which I am going to blame 40%, maybe 50% of my craziness on. I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half; technology is defiantly a close frienemy. Anyway, I hate texting, but I loved texting my boyfriend, he was always the best at sending cute messages my friends would swoon at. This year after he moved two hours away and started going to a new school, the cute texts pretty much stopped. They seemed distant, like it wasn’t him talking to me. So of course my craziness started to show, over analyzing everything from what he said, to the timing of the message. I confronted him and he said he was just busy and stressed. Very reasonable for a guy going to a new school in a competitive field, only if the receiver of this information was a normal, cool girlfriend. I didn’t find this acceptable, my overthinking just got worse. Whenever we talked on the phone it felt awkward and it was never satisfying. Then I started lurking girls he mentioned on Facebook and constantly checking his SnapChat best friends. Last week I checked SnapChat, and I wasn’t on my top best friend spot where I had comfortably been placed since he got SnapChat, no, I wasn’t even there, but replaced by three unknown girls. This brought out the crazy, the real crazy, I don’t know why I couldn’t think rationally about this, and the crazy just took over. So our first fight in four years began. Rather undramatically, as long distance doesn’t provide the true heated fight feel. All it did was leave me feeling guilty like I had just binged on every item from McDonalds.
Crazy is one of those things, it feels so good in the moment to let it free, but it just leaves you crying in your bed the whole day after wishing you could take everything back. I finally understand the crazy girlfriend thing, it can happen to the best of us. The crazy comes out when your are grasping to save a relationship, trying so hard to have it work but letting your fears and overthinking run over all common since. I don’t know what to do in my situation, but the crazy thought it knew the answer. It sure didn’t, but I was just a girl who was trying anything to make since of this dwindling relationship.
Now I can see the real reason for the crazy. Sitting here with my puffy eyes and red face I can look back at how ridiculous I was and actually make an insightful realization. All of this was just me seeing the end of the relationship coming, and becoming obsessed with how it would end. Searching for the reason why we will ultimately break up, and the reason is ultimately me. The classic self-fulfilling prophesy scenario, and maybe it is for the best, maybe I want this relationship to be over and am creating my own self-destruction. Either I am going to go on in a relationship where I feel like I have to please him to make up for the crazy out burst or I can be set free of this toxic situation. If I can offer one piece of advice, that is if your willing to listen to a self proclaimed crazy girlfriend, when you feel the crazy coming on, re-evaluate your relationship; don’t just create one big mess. Don’t lose your cool girlfriend title, move that cool girlfriend persona to a relationship where it will actually work.