To my future wife and partner, with all my love and affection, I hope this finds you.
Everyone spends so much time talking about breaking up and coping. Hate and healing. I want to write to you about us. About hope.
You have been hurt before and with the most mindful intentions I would like to make the following covenant, knowing full well that in order to receive you in my life, I must prepare. You deserve the best of me and of the world, and I promise to give both.
First, I will confess to many wrongdoings, harm and even infidelity in my past life. I’ll admit to lies, missteps and selfishness. I will lay bare the simple fact that my learning curve has been arduous. Too often, I’ve tried to control relationships with how my partner “should feel” while never truly accepting what it means to provide security and safety. I see it and have gotten close, but concede to never having been irrevocably vulnerable.
I’ve left trails of hate as readily as those of love. For some I’ve made amends, for others I may never. I know the nature of anger and weakness, and I know what I’ve done to others. There is nothing more tragic than getting so close to happily ever after…
I have remorse. I have understood what has gone so terribly wrong in the past, and I come to this with eyes open. I have worked, studied, and gotten help in every way I can. Life is our process, to share together, and I do not expect to do it alone, nor am I afraid to ask for help.
I have loved deeply, and understand how to put the past aside, and sacrifice that which makes you uncomfortable. I’m not done growing. Ever.
I want to come home to you. I’ve learned where life’s most precious moments and meaning lie.
I’ll lay bare my soul to you, for if I am ever to listen, hear you, understand your pain and help in any way possible, then you must know me as I was, am and will be. I am always willing to be better and willing to hear you.
I have learned I want one true connection, not many, and that the others without meaning hurt. That we can’t get over one by getting under someone else. That hate is a remedy for nothing.
You have my commitment to be better, after having grown, and for myself, not for you, having changed to ever evolve into the best I can be.
I want to know you. You are endlessly fascinating, and I want to learn more every day.
You have been hurt before, and I will be mindful, but you need no forgiveness: now and forever you are entitled to your pain, and I’ll answer it with hope.
To your happiness I am committed above all else. The world has too many and too much against us for me not to make you the top priority. To have a ride or die. To know what it — this commitment and love — truly entails, for how often do we say it only to satisfy our selfish desires?
Let’s have fights that end with embracing and not escalation. Let’s understand and recognize that we have choices to make every minute, every hour and every day—and we should choose better. Choose each other. Let’s accept that we will be bombarded by temptation and overstimulation. Let’s give no fucks about what negative people say.
I see it, as I hope you do. I don’t want to focus on the hate, sadness or pain of loss, so I am committing now to being present in all mindfulness. Open arms, bigger daydreams, a world-at-large ever ours to claim. To see it and share it. To grow and grow older. Warm hammocks, gentle daydreams, soft oceans and trails of experiences too enriching to hold in words.
We will fight. We will hate each other at points deep into the partnership. We will want others, have desires, wish for change and may even do terrible things. I promise to be honest and open always. When you are my one I promise to forgive, for there is nothing that can keep us from finding home.
You are the light for many people now, ablaze for the world to revel in, and I know I am fortunate if I have you. Thank you in advance for the years we will spend in joy, for the children, for the music you will inspire and for the lives yet to change.
You are everything, and soon, I will be ready. You will know me then and know for whom this is truly written.