Your Memory Is My Favorite Lullaby

I miss you mostly at night – I miss sleeping in your arms and feeling your hands grip into mine as if they were made for each other. What I miss the most is your smell, even if you were just done with the gym. I miss looking into your hazel eyes; they made me fall in love all over again. I miss the look in your eyes while you are talking about something you are passionate about. I miss your hugs; they made me feel safer than I have ever been.

I could forever talk about all the things I miss about you.

Everything about you made me feel safe, feel home. YOU were my home, and it took me a long time to get over that. Yet, I never felt as comfortable as I was when I was with you. It kills me inside every night that I can’t call you. I miss our conversation, and how you made me laugh my heart out. I miss our daily car rides. I miss watching you eating the nutella cup like a little kid. I still remember your diet and meal plan. I still remember that you wash your car every Friday. I still remember everything.

I miss your voice; I miss every part and every piece of you.

I wish there was a remedy for this pain, for living every day without you. I wish there was a remedy that would make you mine again. I hope that one day I’ll grow brave and finally let you go, but this is getting old because there’s not a day where I don’t want to text or call you.

You know, all I ever wanted was for you to fight for me, to let go of your ego and tell me that you would rather die than live without me.

Everything I had was focused on holding on to someone who was already gone. But whenever I asked myself if it’s worth it, I felt your grip tighten for a split second.

I still remember all the crappy things you said and did. It was not ok for you to go days without talking to me, it was not ok that you weren’t there for me when I actually told you that I needed you, and it was certainly not okay for you to walk in and out of my life whenever you felt like it.

But I let it go, I didn’t care because I was sure you loved me. It’s like you mesmerized me.

You did love me, you sacrificed a lot for me, but you loved yourself even more.

If it wasn’t for that, if it wasn’t for your ego, we would’ve still been together. We would’ve build a life together.

But you chose yourself and your freedom over me – someone who loved you with all her heart and all that she had.

You promised me forever, you made me happier than I have ever been or I am now.

You’re in my veins.

I can’t imagine a day where I don’t love you, or ever forget our memories, or find a place where you don’t exist, or hasn’t existed before.

Our memory will always be my favorite lullaby.

You’ll always be my favorite lullaby.