It’s been a little over half a year since we’ve spoken amicably to each other, since I told you I wanted to cut ties. We parted with a kiss and an “I love you”. It was a nice end, I guess. Since then, I’ve done a bunch of new things, been to places, spent some time, a lot of time, alone.
I was sworn off relationships because needless to say, you’ve scared me off any such endeavor. Sure, some boys – little boys – traipsed in and out of my life, but they were just scenery you drive by on a road trip. Some weren’t even that pretty. Honestly, it was a series of further disappointments after you and my heart couldn’t take anymore crap.
Then, in my darkest days, I met someone. I put in my best efforts to keep him at arm’s length, keep myself closed off, dance around intimate questions with coy, non-specific half-truths – I got quite good at it, who would have known. But well, I guess it’s not that surprising considering I’ve had 7 years of training from the master himself. Anyway despite all that, he got to me. Everything happened so organically and so quickly. It felt natural to be around him, and it was as if we were connected on some higher cognitive and emotional wavelength. I’d never felt this way with anybody before.
The point of all of this, is not to gush about my partner and wave my happiness in your face. I am not childish. I am writing to you to tell you that I am not truly happy and I feel like I can’t be because you are still haunting me. I feel like I let you get away scot-free. I sent you off with a beautiful fanfare complete with butterflies and fairy dust. I didn’t even give you a genuine slap. So here is my long overdue slap-in-your-face.
If it’s over and done for you, packed neatly into a box and stowed away, and you’re living a new exciting life with new people and going places without looking back, then good for you. Genuinely, I’m happy for you, and also not in the least bit surprised. You’re good with boxes.
But I want you to know that for me, it hasn’t ended. That when you hurt people the way you hurt me, it stays with them for a long time.
It’s with me everyday. Everyday I’m discovering new depths of the pain you have caused me. Everyday the pristine image of you I preserved in my mind is rapidly tarnishing and everyday another good memory is tainted as I start to see it with new eyes.
You’re like a shadow following me everywhere I go. The other night I dreamt that I wanted to beat you up but I couldn’t, even though you were right in front of me. I was moving in slow motion, there was an invisible force pushing against me. When I finally got to your face, I managed a slow deep scratch and your face started to bleed.
Him and I are so perfect for each other and I know I could be so happy with him. The operative word is “could”. My capacity to love and be loved, to trust, to be happy, has been curtailed. In my head it looks like an impenetrable film surrounding my heart, impeding it’s ability to reach its full potential. The potential capacity that I maximised when I was loving you.
It’s so frustrating because I know what I’m capable of. I know I have so much love to give, but I feel like I can’t give it. You were the first and only one to whom I gave it all to, wholeheartedly. But you were so blinded by your over sized ego and God-complex so big that you callously threw it away.
I don’t think you knew what you had. I think you still don’t. What’s worse is that I had such little self-worth back then that I couldn’t see that you didn’t deserve all that I surrendered to you. Other people slowly began to see it, though. That the scales didn’t balance. That it was fire and ice. That it was the master and his puppy wagging her tail by the door awaiting her master’s arrival home.
You really fucked up. Not so much because you hurt me (although that’s a part of it), but more because you failed to realize that the one person who knew Superman for so long didn’t run away when the mask started to peel off. When she started to get to know that other side of you that you kept hidden so well. It made her love you even more. You failed to recognize that unconditional love does exist, and you had it.
But I got tired of fighting for you. I got tired trying to prove that you don’t have to and in fact shouldn’t do this alone. That you did and always would have me. No matter what you did to me. I got tired holding on to the fact that we grew up together, and we have a bond like nobody else does.
But I started to realize that you weren’t fighting back for me. It got too lonely, and I deserve better. And I did get better. Now I know what it feels like when a man loves you with all his heart.
When he is upfront with his demons and requests for and respects your opinion. When he lets himself feel and you’re the first person with whom he is honest about it. When he stands up for you and protects you with his life. When he parades you to all of his friends, and family, even when that landed him knee-deep in shit. Now I know the difference between “I am not obliged to stay. I would have left if I wanted to. But I didn’t.” and “I’m always here, I’m not going anywhere.”
I don’t want you to be there at my proposal, or my engagement, or my wedding, or my wedding night. I don’t want to wonder where you are when I have my first child, or what you’re doing when I get my first job. I don’t want you anymore, and I want to be able to live happily ever after with him without you sticking around. I don’t want you anymore. Any part of you.
So here’s me taking another step to try to get rid of you. I’m selling the guitar, and I have no more photos of you except on Instagram. Now I’m taking my little slice of justice and giving you a piece of my mind. It’s truly a waste, we had gone through so much together. You were my best friend for the longest time and my first love. I loved you with every inch of me. But now every inch of me wants you gone and every good memory we had is tarnished as I start to realize that it wasn’t what I thought it was. And that’s on you, not me.
I don’t wish anything bad for you. In fact, I hope you learn to get over yourself and let the next girl love the human side of you. I hope that I don’t haunt you the way you did for me. I hope that you face your demons full-on and come out the other side happier.
I’m not expecting to hear from you. I’m not even expecting you to get to the end of this post. But I hope you do and I hope you take something positive away from this. Other than a small ache in your chest where I used to be.