We almost made it, but almost wasn’t enough. To put it bluntly, I wasn’t enough.
I am done sitting around thinking about what I should have said or done, trying to figure out at exactly which point you stopped loving me.
I will not shout, I will not beg for you to come back, I will not speak harsh words about you, I will not fantasize about you coming back, I will not wish that every message was from you.
But I will cry, I will cry until every last tear I have ever held in has trickled down my cheek. I will cry about every time you ever hurt me, or the time that I said I love you and heard nothing back but silence — God the silence still haunts me.
I will cry until it no longer hurts.
I have not slept in the same bed since the night that you left, I cannot listen to the songs that we loved, I cannot go to certain places without feeling that the part of me that I lost is still there.
I loved those songs and I loved those places before I loved you and I know that one day I will fall in love with them all over again.
The thought of you with someone else still shatters every last part of my already broken heart. That is selfish. Not on your part, but selfish to myself.
I should not fear someone who broke me during nothing but a time of need being with someone new. I should hope that you move on, hope that you find somebody who loves you in ways that I could not, someone who will not get upset every time that you disappear for days.
Me? I am okay on my own, because I am not that insecure that I need somebody to love me for my flaws.
I may not be your favorite chapter in your book of broken hearts, I may not be the prettiest one that you wrote about, I may not be the one who was most compatible with you, but I hope that you smile in the future when you flick back on the pages.
I have a choice now, sink or swim. But if I don’t sink first, I will never learn how to swim. I have to sink, I have to sink for as long as it takes to wash your every last touch off of my broken skin, I have to feel every single emotion that I have ignored, covered up, and refused to show.
I will continue to miss you every day, until I wake up and I don’t.
Just because I wasn’t enough for you, that does not for one minute mean that I am not enough for anybody else.
We shared a million memories together, ones that I will never forget and will always be in love with. I am in love with our memories and experiences shared, not you.
I knew that the end had come, because every time I thought about coming back to you, I thought twice instead of once.
I will be okay, maybe not now, maybe not even this year, but I will appreciate every time that I lose myself in laughter and forget about you for that split moment.
I do not need to be strong, it is impossible to be strong after you have had your heart ripped out of your chest and are left with nothing but the words that didn’t kill you, but I will be brave. I will be brave and I will love again.
I am going to have to learn to walk to the edge of it all, every tear, every heartbreak, every time I want to give up — and jump. That is the only way that I will learn to grow back my wings that I once had on the way down.
It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be really hard, but I am not doing it to prove anything to you. I’m doing it to prove something to myself.
I didn’t need you to survive. You’ll come to realize that you needed me a lot more than I’m going to need you.
The one thing that I have learnt from this experience is that I now love myself more than I could ever love another soul.