1. The married one
Speaking from a rather scarring (or jarring) emotional experience, nothing good comes from this. I like many other young attractive females, get hit on fairly frequently and most of the time that’s great. Isn’t that why I bought that new shirt or that sexier than normal dress for girl’s night out? Yes, yes it is. But when a married man comes on to you it’s different. Sure, in the beginning it seems indescribable, exciting, secretive, and naughty. All those words that truly make having an affair with someone fun. But it’s just that, an affair, a.k.a. adulterous triangle of lies. And unless you really are looking for that scarlet letter on your reputation you better just nip that in the bud. Harmless flirtations for free drinks at the bar are one thing; ending up drunk with your pants around your ankles in a dirty Laundromat at 3am is an entirely different beast. And one that leaves you months later without anyone to call while playing John Mayer’s “Man on the Side” on loop.
2. The long distance one
Listen ladies. I know we all have this Sleepless in Seattle fantasy going on where we think we’re going to meet someone, fall in love and if that person happens to live across the whole damn country, or god forbid, an actual different country, that one of us is going to pick up and move and we’ll all live happily ever after. Let me burst that bubble right here for you. It’s not going to happen. Twice in the past year of my singledom I have fallen victim to this trapdoor of a time suck.
Guy A I met at a bar and shamelessly made out with him for what felt like hours (admittedly after one too many tequila shots) until it was closing time and he asked for my number. Surprisingly when we went out the next day; he was normal, funny, charismatic, and BONUS, attractive! BUT. HE WAS FROM FUCKING CANADA. I don’t care how fun our post-bar-make-out date was, and how flirty our text messages continued to be for weeks after he returned to the motherland. He was over eight hours away. Literally, nobody has time for that.
Guy B was a guy I knew way back when (enter into “used-to-be-a-good-friend-that-I-also-used-to-sleep-with” category). He went into the military after we graduated college and when he returned asked to take me to dinner. Two bottles of wine at the restaurant later and one back at my place and we had done the dance again. Then, oddly enough I found myself waiting for his call or text to see him again before he returned to his base. Well guess what? That call never came. You know why? Because he knew, and I knew, that it was a one night stand that didn’t need to be made into anything more.
Take these guys for what they’re worth and have a good time, one time, and move on.
3. The Ex
Let’s talk about the obvious one on the list here for a moment, but one that so many self-respecting ladies who know they deserve better struggle through. Myself included. I slept with my ex for 4 ½ solid years after we broke up. That’s 2190 days of my life I’ll never get back. No, I didn’t sleep with him every day obviously, but a few times each month to make it notable. This not only stopped me from finding myself someone to move on with, and damaging my friendships with people who just couldn’t understand, but it caused me so much stress getting caught up in his emotional bullshit that when I stop and think about it I want to slap myself. Sure the sex was great. Comfortable and easy is always a fallback. But the fact that I slept with this guy during every relationship he had after ours is one word: gross. He is my ex for a reason, and yours is too. If you’re falling victim to ex-sex do yourself a favor and just (stop) fucking stop.
4. The one you can’t have
Guys that fall into this category are as follows:
- Your Coworkers: do you really want to be getting the morning stink eye at the coffee pot after you and copy machine boy are done doing the humpty dumpty after happy hour? No, I didn’t think so.
- Your Trainer: Sure he’s cute. He’s fit. He spends an hour one-on-one with you twice a week. Maybe he even lingers on showing you that proper squat form a little longer than he should. But ladies, ladies, ladies, what happens when you and he man woman hater don’t hit it off? Are you going to go home and pound a pint of Ben and Jerry’s to drown the sorrows before realizing he’s not going to be there to help you work it off? Steer clear on the man candy at the gym. That’s your “you” place.
- The Bartender At Your Favorite Watering Hole: Sure you see him often enough and he knows just the right concoction to mix when you’ve had a case of the Monday’s or god forbid another one of those awful first dates. And those bad boy tattoos he’s rocking are soooo not your typical style. But the minute you take him home you have to find a new home in a different bar. That means starting from scratch as a newbie with no perks, no usual table, and starting from therapy square one.
5. The guy who likes you more
Any female with a pulse and a personality brighter than a beige wall has probably experienced the dreaded moment when you either meet a guy or know a guy who becomes so hotly interested in you that it gets awkward, and fast. It starts out innocent with hints and passive aggressive remarks about the current guy you’re dating and slowly morphs into a strange form of emo-child aggression when you don’t want to go to a baseball game with him or spend the night in his hotel room when he’s in town (weird, I know).
These guys may seem easy when you just want someone to make you feel wanted. And want they do. But you don’t need to encourage that. Do you really want to be dragging around that puppy on the leash forever? No, you want to cut that shit and run free at the dog park, wildly humping whatever you please with little to no inhibitions or sideline judgments from this guy. He’ll find his girl, and trust me it’s not you.