Before I Save Someone Else I Got To Save Myself

Savior. Noun.

a person who saves someone or something from danger

Late Latin “salvare” – to save

For these past few years, I’ve had to be my own savior. I’ve had to be the one to save myself from the clutches of my mind and the remnants of memories I choose to repress. I’ve been the one to stand up for myself against people who have judged me, bullied me, physically harmed me, sexually assaulted me, emotionally damaged me, and have purposely set out to hurt me. And let me tell you something.
It’s exhausting.

In the past, I used to be a very openly emotional person. Freely expressing happiness, anger, sadness, excitement, etc. Then came certain people and they gave me lessons that made me realize that it was my weakness. So I built up my walls, poured cement in between, and never looked back. I became a stone, I became strong, but mostly, I became someone who never showed their feelings.
This was a mistake.

I never meant to do it on purpose, but when enough people have hurt you over and over again in many different ways emotionally, physically, and mentally, there becomes no choice. I was stuck in that place of trying to decide how to protect myself, how to save myself from these people. So I became my own savior by repressing my emotions and hiding from people. I became emotionally disconnected with friends and my family. I never opened up to them when I needed help because I knew that the only person I could depend on was me. Ultimately, that’s how my experience has been.
No one has ever stood up for me. Ever.

I never had anyone tell another person off who was hurting me, nor did I ever have anyone be able to stand up and fight for me. What does that even feel like? I have no idea. I’m always the one who has to stand up and fight for myself.

The only problem is that when I do, it’s written off as me having a breakdown.

How messed up is that? I stand up for myself and suddenly I’m made to feel bad for doing so. I’m made to feel that my emotions aren’t important enough to be heard. I’m made to feel that I am somehow below people constantly. I’m made to feel like the secondary person. That everything I say can’t be taken seriously because I’m not the standard of society’s “normal” concerning mentality.

It’s bullshit. Plain and simple. It’s bullshit.

People who make you feel like you have done something wrong, or make you feel like you are the second choice, or make you feel like you will never achieve anything higher than where you are. What purpose do they get out of constantly hurting someone on purpose? What kind of person wakes up in the morning and actively hurts someone and then justifies it with an excuse for something they did? It’s people like this that cause my dilemma. They’re the ones who make it a disadvantage of being my own savior.

Because sometimes, you’re pushed down so much, that you can’t keep crawling out of the hole. I want someone to stand up for me, to give me that hand and lift me up.

I don’t know what that feels like, but I wish people could grow a backbone and stand up for others. I just can’t understand people who don’t do that. That’s the way I live by, I can’t sit around and watch someone get treated terribly. I will step in and help them, that’s just who I am. I won’t stay quiet when coming to their defense. I make sure I’m someone’s “person”. But here’s the thing.

Where is my person?

Do I not deserve one? Have I somehow committed so many wrongs and deserve the cruelty from so many people?

I think the worse part is that some people will read this and think that what I’m saying isn’t valid or justified. If you’re that person, I respect that you have an opinion. But you’re wrong.

There are secrets I have told no one, there are experiences I can barely remember because they’re pushed so far back. I deal with all of this on my own, I try not to ask for help because I have been conditioned not to.

There are so many repercussions with how I deal with everything. It may just be because the current school year is ending for me, but my severe depression has felt like 10 tons of concrete laying on top of my chest for the past 3 months and it is taking everything I have not to show how much it is affecting me. I’m sure I seem more stressed and sad, but no one, and I mean no one, is aware of how much I have been holding myself together with strength and will.

I might seem like I’m okay, but trust me, I am not.

Again, that’s my fault because I don’t open up to people fully because I’m afraid of the on slot of emotions that will come spilling out of me. I’m afraid I will push people away if they truly knew how I was doing.

So I protect other people from myself, and I try to save myself all on my own.

This isn’t a noble task. It isn’t cool to not care. You wanna know what’s something to admire? Someone who shows their emotions and feelings and is able to go through the day and not lie to people. I wish I could be that person. I wish I didn’t have the constant responsibility of keeping everything on my shoulders, but that’s who I am. I’m my own savior. I’m my person.

But that isn’t working out so well anymore.

I recognize that I can’t keep doing this to myself, it’s surely not good for my health nor is it going to get me any good favors in living longer. If you see someone struggling, help them. Because the people that seem that they’re doing okay despite everything, are barely surviving and screaming out for someone to help them.

For someone to stand up for them. Everyone wants their own hero. I just want to stop being my only savior.