I’m Not The Type Of Girl Who’s Okay With ‘It’s Complicated’

Today’s society teaches us that it’s okay to play the field, to not be tied down. But what happens to those of us that like to be tied down, that enjoy having the presence of someone who means something to us? Through my 22 years of life I have come face to face with situations that taught me the importance of knowing my worth, and knowing that I’m worth more than a “go with the flow” or “it’s complicated” relationship.

We all, at some point in our lives, fall for the almost, maybe, right there at the tips of our fingers, relationships. You know, the ones that leave you craving more. Wanting to know what the future could hold but being too damn afraid to ask what more you could have. But my case? I’ve done this so many times that it would make the average person’s head spin.

The worst part is, I know it every time it happens. But I like the thrill. I like the chase. I like to jump head first into cold water and pray that I don’t drown. But this leaves me wondering why I wasn’t good enough to stay afloat or why I wasn’t enough to be pulled out of the water alongside what I jumped in after.

After many attempts at this, I finally stepped back and realized that I was worth more. My self worth should always outweigh a temporary happiness provided to me by someone who is only going to care for me briefly until the next crazy wild haired girl comes along.

My father also played a huge role. A man that raised me to know that I belonged somewhere, I may not always know where, but I know that I do. I wish I could have captured on film the look on that man’s face the first time I told him I was “going with the flow” with a guy; while the guy stood 4 feet from me staring at the fierce look in my father’s eyes as he studied me and tried to process the words coming from my mouth.

I let this relationship go on for months, thinking that one day he would work up the courage to make things official with me, so that I could call him my boyfriend. But as that hope flickered out and I felt things coming to an end, I clung to what was left for dear life. How pathetic, I know. And it was in that moment that I realized that I let someone, who did not care enough about my worth as a person, take control of a situation that was going to have a terrible outcome. For me anyway.

As I stepped back and watched the situation from the outside, I noticed that A. I was totally delusional and needed a reality check and B. That some people are not worth the time and effort that we put into them.

If a man, or woman, let’s you become emotionally attached while they are still emotionally detached, then you my friend, are not cut out for go with the flow either. Stop searching. Stop scanning crowds for that one person to stand out to you that seems so amazing and beautiful. Let them find you; let them come to you in the form of a random “hey, how are you?” and trust me, the universe will handle the rest.