A few weeks ago, a friend and I were having a marathon of text messages about missing college life, i.e. the days we spent stumbling around some god-forsaken town in Nowhere Midwest, USA in a drunken stupor.
While we both admit that there are a few perks to no longer waking up in your bathtub on a random Tuesday morning, sometimes you just miss having an all night rage fest for no reason other than that your 8am got canceled. These memories are especially fond after a rough week at work when all you can do is drag yourself slowly across the floor and into the fetal position.
As we continued to reminisce about slutty nights on Halloween, ugly sweater parties and black outs on Saint Patrick’s day, my sage friend then sent me this gem of a text message:
“And then you spend the rest of Sunday watching Disney movies, eating and sending apology texts.” This launched into a tit for tat exchange of the frequent apology texts we sent during our four years of undergrad.
So here they are. The top 30 most common apology texts, in no apparent order.
1. I’m sorry I threw up in the __________ (sink, bed, potted plant).
2. Sorry I picked a fight with ____________.
3. Sorry I cock blocked you.
4. Sorry that I didn’t cock block you and you took home some fat loser.
5. Sorry I ordered bottle service on your tab.
6. Sorry I got drunk and broke your _______ (camera, TV, phone).
7. Sorry I got us kicked out of the bar because I __________.
8. Sorry “we’ll only do one shot” turned into _________.
9. Sorry I skipped our _________ class, can I get the notes?
10. Sorry I left you at the bar, I was ____________ (making out with my ex).
11. Sorry I drank all your ___________, I’ll totally buy the next bottle.
12. Sorry I ate all of your _________________.
13. Sorry you had to carry me home.
14. Sorry I tried to fix you up with that weird guy from my stats class. At the time he really did seem like your soulmate.
15. Sorry I caused a scene at the bar. That bitch really was trying to fight me.
16. Sorry I called you 27 times demanding to know why you’d left me when really you were in the bathroom.
17. I’m sorry I spilled my drink on your brand new iPhone 5 (Do not apologize if you spilled a drink on someone’s Droid. This just means they have hope of getting an iPhone).
18. Sorry I decided to wear heels.
19. Sorry I decided we should have a heart to heart about your recent break up in the bathroom.
20. Sorry I got drunk and slept with _________ (your brother, your sister, your roommate, your neighbor).
21. Sorry I gave your number instead of mine to that creepy guy by the jukebox.
22. Sorry I didn’t tell you that you had a nip slip.
23. Sorry I accidentally deleted your 25 page paper looking up cat videos on YouTube. You have it backed up, right?
24. Sorry I decided to use the bathroom behind a bush on the walk home even though there was a cop driving by.
25. Sorry I decided to yell at your ex for breaking your heart outside the bar.
26. Sorry I got so drunk that I cried about __________ (really anything, rule #4 folks. No drunk crying).
27. (To your ex) Sorry I didn’t call you I lost my phone (actually making out with another guy. Or girl).
28. (To your ex) I’m sorry for being an emotional drunk. I can’t help how I feel!
29. (Mass text) Sorry for blacking out during all of welcome week. I just missed you guys so much.
30. (Mass text) Sorry for waking you up, but has anyone seen Amber?