I Wish I Could Pretend To Love You

Irene Dávila
Irene Dávila

I was eating a quinoa salad by myself before work at the theatre
and I know what you’re thinking but I grew up eating quinoa so just fuck off okay
I was in Chelsea alone with two bags full of books
my to-do list filling all the nooks
and crannies of my mind
Oh god where will I find the time
alone thinking about all the things I had to do
not even the slightest thought of you
but then I heard a tap on the window

It was your best friend’s mom wouldn’t you know
It felt like the past just ran into me
I thought I could forget about the person that I used to be
She and I caught up and smiled and laughed
when she found out I had left you months ago
she high fived me
because she is someone who knows
But there I was caught in a moment of remembering you
and remembering all the things that we used to do

I don’t think of you anymore
not in a rude way
just all the love I had for you I put in other places
My love exists in so many different spaces
I took it and put it into me

I’m happier now and I don’t even care if you see
I sent you a picture of her after this interaction
and said “So random look who I ran into”
I scrolled up in our chat
apparently I’ve ignored you 5 times
I know I had said If you need me I’m here
after that night you saw me alehouse drinking beer
with friends we used to share
they aren’t mine now but we were all there that day

I remember
That was a while ago now it’s November
you had asked me what you could do to have me in your life again in any capacity
I didn’t want that anymore I was already set free
but I said “I’ll always be there if you really need me
so bring me that signed copy of Bo Burnham’s poetry book
before my birthday or you’re dead to me”
because you had two copies
One I had bought
one another girl purchased for you
but I don’t care I just want that book too
you didn’t bring it to me before I turned 22
so that’s why when you texted me on my birthday
I had nothing back that I wanted to say
because I’m a woman who says what I mean
I wanted the book but I guess you were “busy”
and really honestly that’s totally fine
but here we are now and I texted you
and you asked why I’ve ignored you and I said the truth

If you had brought me the book before my birthday
I would have at least been nice
you said it slipped your mind
that’s crazy to me because for 5 years you never once slipped mine
you asked if you could bring it still I said that’s fine
I had 2 free hours the next day
before I was leaving to Boston to get away
I said you can come over and bring the book
and today you were here it was the second time
I saw you since we were over
but this time it was planned and I was completely sober

I was fine seeing you
but apparently you are not okay
you told me you still think about me every single day
and I mean I guess I feel bad that you’re so sad

You told me there are reminders of me everywhere
you said: all the things you made for me
and all the things you bought I see
I miss you and they make me sad that you’re away
and I joked I said I guess I’m lucky that you were a shitty boyfriend
the two stuffed animals you gave me became chew toys for dogs
that’s really all you ever got for me
and not that I’m being petty
but it was easy to forget you
because when we were together
all you ever did was forget me
and I asked how is your new girlfriend?
you responded “who?”

“I don’t know the one you cheated on me for,
how is she that home wrecking whore?”
(I don’t believe that, I’m just saying it to be dramatic and because it rhymes)
you told me that you both argued over me
she was nervous that I would want you again
I laughed because that was all I could do
if only she knew the reality: that I never wanted to see you
I guess now that I’m gone you realized how much I did for you
You left my house and said I still love you
and I’m sorry but I couldn’t fake an I love you too TC mark

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