I’ve always been someone who likes to keep their options open. I like to keep myself attached enough to feel something, but removed enough to not get hurt. It’s a balance I’ve perfected through years of wanting what I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t have. It’s something I’ve learned after experiencing let downs far worse than your average 20 year-old.
But it’s damaging. To myself and to my relationships.
The feelings are blocked off because of the wall I build in fear of the What Ifs. The “What if he wakes up one day and doesn’t want this anymore?” or the “What if I wake up one day and don’t want this anymore?” or, my personal favorite, “What if there is someone else out there?”
How is it possible to let go of the what ifs?
The barrier I build in between what I feel and what I fear is always apparent.
I’ve thought of myself as an optimistic person for as long as I can remember, but the fact is that I can’t let myself love – and that seems to lean more towards pessimism.
I’m always waiting for the catch. But why? Why can’t I let myself feel happiness without fear of when it will end? If it will end?
Maybe I’m not pessimistic, maybe I’m just a realist. I’m realistic about life and people. I’m realistic about how emotions work and change over time. I guess I have time to figure out ‘what I am’ but I think it’s time to decide what I’m not.
I don’t want to be someone who is afraid anymore.
It’s crazy when you meet someone and have an instant connection with them. It’s even crazier when you date that person for a year, happy and in love. And if you’re me, you put up that barrier even though in your heart you know that you don’t need it. The barrier is always there; it’s become a safety net of disconnection. The person who is attached less, gets hurt less – right? At least, that’s what I always thought.
Here I am, though – hurt. And not because of anything that person did, but because the walls that I put up were beginning to close in on me. I’ve finally realized that it’s time to let go of the anxiety and obsession over the what Ifs, and instead learn to embrace them.
I’m choosing uncertainty.
It feels good to be reckless, rather than feel suffocated by how cautious I am. I’d rather risk it and feel pain, than close my heart and feel nothing. It’s time to forget about the what Ifs. It’s time to let go.