I Don’t Know How To Love

I don’t know which is harder;
loving someone
or letting yourself be loved.
do I let people in
out of a lust for being loved
or do I let people in
as a form of self harm?
awaiting the eventual destruction
awaiting the eventual pain
awaiting the downfall.
sick and twisted enjoyment
in allowing myself to be a victim
I don’t know why I do it.
I don’t know which is harder;
someone trying to love me
or me trying to love someone.