I Am Not The Girl You Love When It’s Convenient

eliasfalla
eliasfalla

We worked so well — until we didn’t.

It’s only been about a week, and I haven’t really realized what I’ve lost yet. I’ll miss the long talks late at night, the jokes we shared that no one else would laugh at, and of course, I’ll miss the sex.

We used to fit together so perfectly. We talked and played and messed around as if it were a scripted sitcom on TV – I always thought to myself “this is too good to be real”. It was fleeting and a whirlwind, and I’ll never regret one second of it.

We were so compatible in so many ways, but unfortunately, not in the ways that matter most. I’m too strong, I’ve been through too much. It’s hardened me and made me into someone who loves in ways that are different than you do. You could never understand, and I’ve never blamed you for it. But our differences are too much, were incompatible in the worst way – in how we love and how we want to be loved. Your expectations could never be met with the way I love. And mine could never be met because of the way you are.

I loved you to your convenience. It was all about convenience for you, wasn’t it? You wanted me to be temporary – until something better came along; a new opportunity, a new adventure, a new escape. You wanted me to fit the mold of how you wanted to be loved, and I just couldn’t. I love in my own way. I know it’s not simple and I know that it doesn’t make sense – but it’s the way I am.

You wanted the fun, the companionship, the sexy parts. I wanted those parts too, but what I wanted more was the ‘forever’, the love, to be wanted for me not because I’m convenient in the moment.

I’ll never understand your need to be extraordinary. Our connection was extraordinary in my eyes, but it wasn’t enough for you. And that’s okay. We worked until we didn’t.

I hope you find what you’re looking for. Whatever that may be. You’re always searching for the latest adventure, the latest thing to work towards. I, on the other hand, want stability and safety. I want what you can’t give; what you refuse to give. For me, the greatest adventure would have been to love you and be loved by you, and you couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t want to give that to me.

The connection we had shouldn’t have been taken for granted. I deserve better than that and you know it. I’ll find that love; the love I keep giving to others, the love I deserve. And when I do, I’ll think of you and smile.

We worked, until we didn’t. It’s simple and complicated at the same time. It makes sense if you don’t think about it too much. So please, do me a favor and don’t think about it. Not too much. TC mark

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