1. Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone.
I mean, let’s just get this out in the open. Justin Timberlake is the best thing to happen to the entertainment industry since 1994 or whenever he made his debut on the Mickey Mouse Club. JT is the male counterpart to Beyonce and I’d even be bold enough to say I like him better. I hope the Bey-gency doesn’t take me away in the middle of the night for this. He’s awesome though and I want to love him, the same way I did when I was 11, which would have been totally illegal. I’d like to think that we grew together. He backed away from *NSYNC and awful haircuts and I got boobs.
The fact that I include Joey Fatone as one of the music industry’s greats might seem rather peculiar at first. His name is literally Joey Fat One. The fact that he didn’t change his last name, even under the full acknowledgement that he weighed more than everyone, is enough to be legendary. Joey was the G-rated version of AJ from the Backstreet Boys. AJ got arrested for drugs or a DUI, while Joey got red frosted tips on his hair to show his edgy side. I can appreciate that. Thanks for just being Joey, Joey. Joey was the antithesis of Justin and every band needs this. Justin was hot. Joey was not. Justin had cool hair. Joey’s demeanor expressed that he was a human Barney. Justin went on to have a career that will last until infinity. Joey starred in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and a Rogaine commercial.
2. Music Videos.
Guess what I don’t want to see? One Direction waltzing around London. Guess what I do want to see? JT and the gang in a mental institution, driving themselves crazy. I mean for real. They are in solitary confinement, continuously blowing on the glass part of the door in hopes of breaking out. How could I ever get sick of watching that?
Justin Timberlake’s hair was it’s own person. It was giant, curly, and took on various shapes such as an afro and tamed Ramen Noodles. While Justin’s hair was often the focus of attention, JC’s hair also had its own persona, which can only be described as any fashionable woman’s hair cut from 2001. The bigger JC’s hair got, the smaller JT’s hair got. To me, this looks like an unrecognized cry for help.
4. Name of the band.
I always call One Direction, New Direction, getting them confused with a Belk clothing line that is targeted for women from the ages of 45 to 80. Sit down, 5 Seconds of Summer. That is a horrible name for a band because it accurately describes the duration and season of their entire career. I’m not even exactly sure who they are, besides knowing that the lead singer likes to show off his nudes. We get it. You have a penis and you need to show the world your weenie to assert your manhood. You aren’t conventional at all and you are teaching society to embrace their bodies, or some big message like that when your nudes leak. That’s okay, but seriously… can you please just turn into Justin Timberlake? Because I’d much rather see that. That’s really all I have to say about that one.
5. Token ignored member.
Where are all the Joey Fatones, Lance Basses, Chris Whatever-his-last-name-ises? Who could forget these guys, well… besides everyone, including their band members. It seems like boy band members these days are all treated equally and have fair singing parts. Everyone in *NSYNC seemed to embrace the fact that Justin and JC were just going to compete with each other. It was like watching a super intense scene from Dance Moms every time they hit the stage. The tension was palpable. Even during the *NSYNC reunion that lasted for -0.9 seconds, JC had to throw in some awkward vocal to let Justin know that one day, not today, but one day, he was going to make his come back, and it wouldn’t be on NBC’s new show that needed an ex-musician judge. He then disappeared slowly back into the stage, plotting his revenge.
6. The songs.
“That it made you believe in no man, no cry. Baby, that’s why.”
“When the visions around you, bring tears to your eyes. And all that surrounds you, are secrets and lies.”
“There’s a thousand words that I could say… to make you come home.”
“Baby, don’t misunderstand. What I’m trying to tell ya. In the corner of my mind. Baby, it feels like we’re running out of time. Let it go. If you want me girl, let me know.”
I bet you can identify every single song there. The songs are unforgettable, even you tried to delete them from your memory (but, why would you?). The lyrics don’t even have to make sense. For instance, with “Gone,” if there are a thousand words that you could say to make me come home and you miss me, then why don’t you just say them? Be proactive about this. Either way, I suppose lyrics don’t matter when you make 20 billion dollars from a song.
7. Dance moves.
Sick moves don’t even begin to explain what these boy bands were capable of. These were the days of huge choreographed numbers. I miss those days. I feel like if a boy band is going to be a boy band then they need to follow in the footsteps of these freaking legends. *NSYNC still reign on top in terms of literally everything. Sorry New Direction. I don’t see you getting a Darrin’s Dance Grooves VHS tape made about you.
My point is: Go visit a mental institution, turn on your favorite *NSYNC song, dance the night away, and drive yourself a little crazy. It’ll look like a scene straight out of American Horror Story.