8. Iggy Azalea
Iggy Azalea’s body is enough to make a grown man cry. Holy ass. Not to sound like a creepy uncle or anything, but Jesus B. Lord is Christ knew what he was doing when he made this one. According to my calculations, a man cannot stare at her for more than 10 seconds before immediately having to adjust himself in fear of exposing his “excitement.” This hot female rapper is also street smart/a hard worker, which is a majorly respectable quality in my eyes. No money, no family, 16 in the middle of Miami is always a really tough phase, we’ve all been there. Regardless of her remarkable struggles, my concentration is focused on watching her “Work” in that music video.
7. Kristen Wiig
She’s just the best. Her comedic timing is perfection and her weird voices and dances bring pleasure into my life. Her role as the Fingerling sister “Dooneese” with the little hands, literally sends me spiraling into the floor with laughter every time I watch it. The Sound of Music one is the best. I was devastated when she left SNL, mainly because the show sucks now, but Bridesmaids has more than made up for all my sadness. I hope Wiig continues to be successful because I adore everything she does. Not only is she funny, but she is attractive and what is better than a hot funny girl? “Nothing,” I sternly reply.
6. Kacey Musgraves
I think it is safe to say she gives me a total lady boner. If she carries the same IDGAF attitude in real life that she has in her music, then I am writing her a formalized request to ask her permission to be her new best friend. Musgraves is clearly beautiful, but what makes her a real catch is that she seems like a hardass mixed with a super sweet person, which I am personally attracted to. She’s got an old country vibe to her that reminds me of Loretta Lynn, but she’ll also Miranda Lambert/Gretchen Wilson-style put a cigarette out in your eye if you insult her.
5. Amy Poehler
She’s on the same level as Kristen Wiig, but really tries to drive a message for women to empower themselves, which is why she is a few spots higher. There is a lot more to Poehler than just being hilarious nonstop, watch her series of videos on YouTube entitled “Smart Girls.” What I love about her is that she’s witty and doesn’t desperately try to be funny. I love dry humor, so obviously Parks and Rec is one of my favorite shows. I’ve seen every episode and it never gets old. My favorite role she’s played though is definitely Regina George’s mom: “What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you’re going to drink I’d rather you do it in the house.”
4. Lykke Li
Lykke Li is my go-to when I’m feeling emo. Her music is just captivating and you kind of get lost in it. I first discovered Li when I was partying in Europe, where her song “I Follow Rivers” was remixed into a huge hit. I like the remix and the original, but her other stuff is what lights my fires of sadness and self-pity. “Until We Bleed” is a song that I feel really attached to and it instantaneously reminds me of a million things when I listen to it. It feels good on my dark days to catch up with Li. There is something really haunting, yet childlike in her voice. Second best thing to being hot and funny? To be hot and have an amazing voice.
3. Aubrey Plaza
Jeeesssusss Chrisssst, girl. What are people gonna say? If they catch me staring at you all day, which is bound to happen because I am a total creep and I need to have two eye patches on my eyes at all times in order to prevent myself from stalking you. Plaza is the lead in Father John Misty’s “Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings” video and she is brilliant as usual (currently the song I have on repeat). Sexy, dark, mysterious, dense. She’s the girl you want to be friends with because you know she is cool, but you are terrified that she will eat you alive and send the bones to your parents, including a note with a smiley face drawn onto it. Sex with Plaza looks like it would be painful while it was happening, kinda like cat sex, but then you’d reminisce thinking, “Well, she only cut one of my balls off, that’s all I need, right? Other than that it was the best lay of my life!”
2. Marina Diamandis
Diamandis ranges from adorable to “I’m going to make you wish you never met me” in .05 seconds. I have to admit, she is so close to stealing first place in my heart. She reminds me a lot of myself, which means that I may or may not be schizophrenic. I don’t have to be a dude to be totally into her. Electra Heart is amazing and I love her series of music videos. It is honestly one of the only albums I can get entirely through and love everything on it. She verges from being borderline crazy with her double persona, but I think it’s cool and she killed one of her personalities, so there’s that. I hope Electra Heart makes a comeback, though. I kinda like her crazy side. #redflags
1. Lana Del Rey
The freakishly disgusting things I would do to Lana Del Rey. I’m not a lesbian, contrary to all the evidence that I have provided in this article, but I promise that if I was given one chance to meet Lana Del Rey, I’d convince her to just give me one date. Chris Hemsworth doesn’t even hold a candle to Lana. I’d drive her through the desert during the middle of the night on a motorcycle. Lightening would illuminate the red sand. Before we would know it, we would be caught in a terrible storm and headed straight off the side of a canyon.
I would hurl myself in front of her, mid-air, taking the majority of the impact, sacrificing myself to save her beautiful face. The motorcycle would explode in the background and Lana would start one of her voice-overs that is always in her music videos, “I knew since the day I met her, I loved her. Love…” she would drift away saying. In an breathy voice she would continue, “She was my ride-or-die and I knew there was no bringing baby back once she went off the deep end.” It would then sequence to a flashback to an intense scene of me shooting up heroin while she bounces a baby on the side of her hip and shakes her head at me. Everything would look you were viewing it from a fuzzy 1950s television set. Then we’d enter a sequence where we were laughing hysterically and I was pushing her on a tire-swing. It was the day we first met. I remembered how she batted her long lamb-chop eyelashes at me and smiled with an aura that captured the essence of summer.