1. Plan the future immediately.
Want to completely freak your new partner out? Just go ahead and talk about marriage and see if you ever get a call back. Already named your future children… yeah you might want to leave those details out of conversations with your new dude if you really want things to last. He’ll be on the first train back to Single-town. Nothing screams “PSYCHO” more than a woman who is planning her wedding on Pinterest and doesn’t even have a fiancee.
2. Bombard them with messages/demand to spend every waking second together.
Hey, uh… there’s no easy way to say this, but I’m a busy person and if someone texts me 700 times in one day, I’m gonna get a little worried that you might have obsessive tendencies. Preferably, I like a little distance in my relationship because conjoined twins is just not a good look for anyone. It drives me crazy when couples spend every single second of their day together. The funny thing is, if you talk to the people in relationships like this, they are dying for time away. So why not take it? Two words: trust issues. They don’t want to leave each other’s side or let one or the other have a night out with their friends because they don’t trust them. Who wants to be in a relationship where you can’t even have friends? I want to have my separate life and if you don’t have a life, I advise you start searching for one now.
3. Talk to your ex.
On a serious note, no new relationship can survive with your ex on your mind, body, soul… I’ve made this classic mistake several times, like a damn fool, and it killed every single one of my new relationships because of it. It took me a long time to get over my ex because I believed if someone else kept me occupied that I could forget about him. Naw, girl. It doesn’t work that way. I learned that as long as I still talked to him, we would have a connection. I had to quit my ex like cigarettes.
If someone tells me how to live my life, don’t expect for me to stick around. Listening to constant bitching is just annoying. I hate fighting for stupid reasons and my stress level is already at the capacity to send me to the mental hospital, so I’m liable to break if someone is constantly nagging at me. I don’t really want to have a criminal record and end up on an episode of Snapped, so STFU and let me worry about me.
5. Bad sex.
If your sex game is off, we can work at it, but if you consistently suck, then we probably don’t have good chemistry. I’m a big believer in the power of natural chemistry. If I feel like I am being fondled by a 15 year old, it probably isn’t going to work out between us. If there is no natural desire for me to get FrEaKy with you, we aren’t gonna last. This girl needs her “Sex on fire” on the real, doe.
6. Hate my friends.
If you hate my friends, I’m gonna Spice Girl on out of this relationship. If my friends hate you, there is probably a reason. I honestly think the person you are seeing should be very similar to your friends in ways and if we all can’t hang, then we probably aren’t right for each other.
7. Ana-morph into a giant dick.
If you are nothing like the person I initially met and I start seeing red flags being thrown left to right, I’m gonna have to forfeit this game. Big H won’t be having any of that. The only thing that really provokes me to fight in a relationship is different forms of disrespect. If you are transforming into the true douche bag that you really are, then chances are… I’m not gonna get tangled up in that mess.
Okay, clearly this is a given, but for some people, I’m going to need to spell it out. I generally trust people unless they give me a reason not to trust them. I handle cheating pretty simply. I block your phone number and pretend you don’t exist. The saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” is true. I don’t believe freaking out on someone for cheating is necessary, but I do believe it is necessary for that relationship to end immediately because once the damage is done, it is done, and cheating will continue to haunt your relationship. I don’t need 20,000 explanations to why you decided to cheat, but if you do decide to, please do me the pleasure of telling me and allowing me to move on to someone else.
9. Be unsupportive.
This is a big one. If someone cannot be supportive of me and the things I am trying to accomplish, then we can’t date. It will never work. I want to be able to talk about the things I want to achieve. I’m a pretty closed off person, but once I start to open up to someone, it shows that I really am falling for you. If you aren’t interested in what I’m doing, then please step to da left.
10. Act disinterested and play mind games.
If you really like someone, then why would you wait five days to text them back? As a woman, if a man does this to me, I’m thinking, “Okay, he’s not interested, so it’s time to move on.” Playing games is just stupid. If you like someone, just like them and don’t try to play hard to get. Chances are, if you feel like you have to play games for this person to like you, they probably don’t like you.