A Step-By-Step Guide To Surviving Thanksgiving On Your Own

Friends say, “Treat it as any other day,” when learning that I’m spending Thanksgiving alone. Problem is, every other day I have to work and can like, go to Costco. It’s impossible to not feel left out on the one day a year where it’s socially acceptable to gather with others and overeat.

That doesn’t mean you can’t find meaning in a solo-Thanksgiving. Just as millions of folks are creating To-Do lists for a perfect meal, I’m creating a To-Do list for a perfect day. Feel free to print this out so that you too can have a meaningful and fulfilling solo Thanksgiving.

8:30 am: Get woken up by my cat. Try not to think about how he would likely eat my face if I died.

9:00 am: Eat Kashi Go-Lean with just enough milk so that I can put a little more in for a second helping — it is Thanksgiving, after all.

10:00 am: Get dressed with the intention to work out, but then get distracted by Al Roker’s uncomfortable jokes as he hosts the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

12:00 pm: Consider masturbation.

12:01 pm: Masturbate. Awkwardly remember to call my family in the process of masturbation.

12:05 pm: Call family. Remember that Mom always burns the bottom of the pumpkin pie so as to avoid further depression.

1:00 pm: Consider changing from workout clothes before leaving to see afternoon movie, but then don’t.

4:30 pm: Leave Interstellar wondering why anyone would make a film about getting stuck in space with Anne Hathaway.

5:00 pm: Check Tinder and OkCupid while heating up Thanksgiving dinner. Avoid messaging anyone so as not to appear pathetic on Thanksgiving.

5:30 pm: Eat tofurkey. Feel pathetic.

8:30 pm: Realize I’ve spent the last three hours on the couch watching The Property Brothers. Text friends immediately.

9:15 pm: Meet said friends at bar. Proceed to get drunk.

11:00 pm: After drunkenly expressing gratitude and love for friends, realize this was your best Thanksgiving ever.

11:30 pm: Fall asleep surrounded by Taco Bell wrappers.

All this said, Thanksgiving is whatever you make it. No matter if you’re with family or a cat that will likely eat your face one day, it can still be a meaningful and fulfilling day. So if you have to be alone, like I do, then find ways to make it worth your while — except for Interstellar, I mean, Anne Hathaway, in space, stuck, HELLO!