A Step-By-Step Guide To Surviving Thanksgiving On Your Own

Friends say, “Treat it as any other day,” when learning that I’m spending Thanksgiving alone. Problem is, every other day I have to work and can like, go to Costco. It’s impossible to not feel left out on the one day a year where it’s socially acceptable to gather with others and overeat.

That doesn’t mean you can’t find meaning in a solo-Thanksgiving. Just as millions of folks are creating To-Do lists for a perfect meal, I’m creating a To-Do list for a perfect day. Feel free to print this out so that you too can have a meaningful and fulfilling solo Thanksgiving.

8:30 am: Get woken up by my cat. Try not to think about how he would likely eat my face if I died.

9:00 am: Eat Kashi Go-Lean with just enough milk so that I can put a little more in for a second helping — it is Thanksgiving, after all.

10:00 am: Get dressed with the intention to work out, but then get distracted by Al Roker’s uncomfortable jokes as he hosts the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

12:00 pm: Consider masturbation.

12:01 pm: Masturbate. Awkwardly remember to call my family in the process of masturbation.

12:05 pm: Call family. Remember that Mom always burns the bottom of the pumpkin pie so as to avoid further depression.

1:00 pm: Consider changing from workout clothes before leaving to see afternoon movie, but then don’t.

4:30 pm: Leave Interstellar wondering why anyone would make a film about getting stuck in space with Anne Hathaway.

5:00 pm: Check Tinder and OkCupid while heating up Thanksgiving dinner. Avoid messaging anyone so as not to appear pathetic on Thanksgiving.

5:30 pm: Eat tofurkey. Feel pathetic.

8:30 pm: Realize I’ve spent the last three hours on the couch watching The Property Brothers. Text friends immediately.

9:15 pm: Meet said friends at bar. Proceed to get drunk.

11:00 pm: After drunkenly expressing gratitude and love for friends, realize this was your best Thanksgiving ever.

11:30 pm: Fall asleep surrounded by Taco Bell wrappers.

All this said, Thanksgiving is whatever you make it. No matter if you’re with family or a cat that will likely eat your face one day, it can still be a meaningful and fulfilling day. So if you have to be alone, like I do, then find ways to make it worth your while — except for Interstellar, I mean, Anne Hathaway, in space, stuck, HELLO! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – Pieces Of April

H. Alan Scott is a writer and comedian based in New York City and Los Angeles. His work has been featured on the Huffington Post, xoJane, WitStream, Sirius XM Radio, here! TV, Chicago Tribune, Towleroad, and Time Out New York’s “Joke of the Week.” Scott has performed at the Hollywood Improv, the Laugh Factory, Carolines on Broadway, and Chicago’s Lakeshore Theater. Scott is the co-creator and host of SRSLY LOL, an alternative variety show in New York City and Los Angeles. Most recently he created #Chemocation, an online chronicle of his cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Oprah said his name. Pic by Mindy Tucker.

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