Everything You Need To Know About Last Night’s State Of The Union, By A Comedian With Cancer Who Just Happens To Be A Little Gay

Fortunately for you, to me, the SOTU has always been sort of like a telenovela with less Spanish people (we’ll get to immigration later).
So what follows is everything you need to know from the SOTU, without having to watch Obama say “suck it” to Congress a million different ways.

“Sorry, this just isn’t working for me.”

Obama wants to break up with Congress. He knows he can get more work done without them. But, you see,, they share custody of a love child: the country! What to do? Everything he possibly can do without them, thus making him the “Cool parent,” and Congress the parent that makes you eat your brussels sprouts (but not fund the brussel sprouts, because why make government bigger, right?).

How to be bipartisan: diss China

Obamacare? Half the room stands. Immigration? Most of the room stands. Diss China? Everyone gets on the dance floor! But by the looks of their expanding waistlines, it’s pretty clear they’ve all had their fair share of egg rolls.

A budding bromance?

One of the SOTU highlights is when Obama gives a shout out to Speaker John Boehner’s humble Ohio upbringing. I hope this bond grows into them appearing in a Viagra ad 10 years from now.

Bromance

Give America what they want: Michelle

Is it a surprise that Obama mentioned Michelle in the first 10 minutes of his speech? No! She’s Michelle. That hair. Those arms. Those lips. She screams, “I got this,” every time she bats an eyelash. And her green dress put everybody to shame (sorry Jill Biden, shawls are so 2004).

Uncle Joe to the rescue

Obama had a lot of great things to say about job growth and creation, but I was too distracted by his announcement that Uncle Joe Biden will lead a reform effort to create more training programs for people seeking work. I hope they create a Pinterest board that shows which unemployment offices Joe will be at, because color me there.

Teach them well and let them lead the way…. into debt

Obama laid out comprehensive plans for early education programs, bringing broadband internet to classrooms, and lowering the massive student debt incurred by millions. It was a lot to take in. Then I played Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All,” and her message is basically the same as Obama’s: the children are our future. Houston’s point was more entertaining though. #RIP

Energy? You mean oil, right?

Using the word “energy” is DC’s fancy way of talking about oil without having to actually say “oil.”  It’s cool, we get it. It’s like when I say, “I’m happy being single.” What I’m really saying is, “Please God, I don’t want to die alone.”

SOTU fitness program

What you probably didn’t know is that the SOTU is that it’s the only time of year Congress participates in group exercise. One minute they’re up, then down. Then half go back up, then down. Then up, then down, and so on. Rumor has it this is where Michelle’s “Let’s Move” initiative came from. Or was it her way of passively begging to move back to Chicago?

Hey ladies, show us how you work that

Not only was Obama able to give a huge shout out to the ladies in the house (and highlight the gross pay inequality they are subjected to), he was also able to throw in a Mad Men plug, saying that it’s “Time to do away with workplace politics that belong in a Mad Men episode.” That’s fine and all, but I was a disappointed he didn’t make a similar reference to healthcare and say, “And finally, thanks to Obamacare, nobody has to resort to the likes of what we saw on Breaking Bad.”

Obamacare

Forgive, but never forget

Of everything Obama said during the SOTU, one thing is certain: he’s basically a passive aggressive Jewish mother. Not a passage went by that didn’t reference the “stale political arguments,” or, “Congress needing to get on board.” He basically said, “I love you, I’m proud of you, and I’m never going to let you forget that I nearly died giving birth to you.”

You get a raise, and you get a raise, everybody’s getting a raise!

He probably just watched that episode of Oprah where she gave everyone a car, because Obama wants everybody to get a raise (except Oprah). I’m not sure exactly how this is going to work, just like the people on Oprah weren’t expecting the huge tax bill they had to pay on those cars. I’m sure Representative Paul Ryan will think of some questions during one of his P90X workouts.

Nobody say the “S” word: Snowden

There were roughly 6,800 words in the SOTU. Only 36 referenced Edward Snowden. I get it. I try to avoid the things I’m embarrassed to talk about too, like sharting or eating four donuts at 2AM.

Eye

In Memoriam: the world

The SOTU could easily be replaced with a bunch of drunk dudes chanting, “U-S-A, U-S-A.” But we gotta give some shout outs, both good and bad, to our buddies with funny accents around the world. Listing out these countries, and their seeming inferiority to us (based on Obama’s text), is basically like the “In Memoriam” section during the Oscars. Get up, go pee, and make sure you’re back in time for the closing act.

What it all comes down to

Snark and sass aside, what truly is amazing about the SOTU is that it’s the one time every year that an extraordinary American can be highlighted for being fucking amazing. Cory Remburg was nearly killed during his deployment in Afghanistan. We’re all aware that thousands of soldiers have been injured or killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, but it doesn’t hurt to have the President of the United States show the 10 million people watching at home that here’s this ordinary guy who survived something extraordinary and is just like, living his life the best he can. That’s something everyone can agree to stand up for, and maybe give a couple members of Congress more of a reason to put down the egg rolls and actually do their jobs.

Cory

To watch the full video of the speech and to read more about the invited guests mentioned during the speech, visit here. TC mark

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