For the last decade, I’ve spent my life in a perpetual quest for love, searching for it in every corner that I could. Throughout the process, I’ve gotten myself into more uncomfortable situations than I care to admit, and into even worse relationships that were highly toxic.
And it was all to satisfy this unnecessary need to be in a relationship, as if it would be the magic potion to end all my problems.
Instead, all of the relationships that I inserted myself into left me feeling a little emptier on the inside and emotionally unfilled. That often led to an obscure depression that forced me into bed for days, unable to move or communicate with concerned friends, who sought a confirmation as to if I was okay.
Lately, I’ve found myself blaming my parents for this unfulfillment that penetrates my being. Perhaps they loved me too much and I am looking for an unrealistic love that only they can offer. The type of love where you can completely fuck off, but you know it will be okay, because of that unconditional love that exists between you two.
I also blame them for never setting boundaries for me — but most of all I blame them for how much they believed in me, leading me to believe in an unrealistic, narcissistic version of love.
If I am being honest, maybe I am not ready to be in a relationship with anybody but myself.
The relationship I have with myself is a tricky one. I am an ambitious human being, but the moment I get close to achieving my professional dreams, I start to sabotage them.
Unconsciously, I look for detractors and shift the focus onto dating someone. This allows me to cancel events, meetings, or whatever networking opportunities will help me, devoting all my time and resources into my lover.
Sadly, most of the time, these are people who I am not interested in. They are just vessels for me to hold onto to protect myself from perusing my professional dreams.
If I never try, then I never fail. Ultimately, if I have love then I am not failing, am I? Isn’t love supposed to be the answer for everything?
I’ve come to the realization that no human is going to ever magically complete me. All this time, I’ve been searching for someone who has achieved their dreams so I didn’t have to do it myself. I thought that, if they reached their goals, then somehow it would be as if I had reached mine, but that wasn’t the case. On the contrary, it left me feeling more empty after seeing how genuinely happy they were with their success.
It’s important that I take a break from dating to focus my resources on achieving my dreams. To be able to satisfy myself creatively without needing another person.
I now know that no one is going to love me like my parents and I accept that. Relationships are hard work and a two-way street. For me to be able to be in a healthy relationship, I need to grow emotionally and professionally.
I must be able to make myself happy instead of relying on others to do so for me. I know the road won’t be easy, because I have made the same old mistakes for over a decade, but I am ready to face the music.
Perhaps I will fall and fail, but I will not give up in this quest of self-fulfillment.