GENITIVE: In Real Life constellation
RIGHT ASCENSION: 16 hours
DECLINATION: -75 degrees
BEST SEEN FROM: work/the mall/parties/etc
The In Real Life constellation has been recognized as a ‘confusing mess’ and ‘please kill me’ since Babylonian and Chaldean times. Studying this constellation was often described as ‘painful but necessary,’ leading ancient astronomers to assign it the name, ‘IRL,’ as observing this particular group of stars produced a physical sensation eerily similar to having to interact with other people. Though the IRL constellation is particularly annoying to observe, it has nonetheless inspired countless poets to write unnecessarily long odes inviting its readers to ‘accept the IRL in all of us’ and to ‘discover the path to our inner IRL.’
GENITIVE: Waiting For My Dealer constellation
RIGHT ASCENSION: 6 hours
DECLINATION: 0 degree
BEST SEEN FROM: living room couch while thinking, ‘where the fuck is he’
According to a Native American legend, the two stars at the bottom half of the Waiting For My Dealer constellation are constantly waiting for the two stars at the top to come to them, with the two stars at the top never moving, but nonetheless reassuring the stars at the bottom that they will be there, ‘in five minutes.’ It is believed that this myth was inspired by the act of engaging in trades with European explorers and settlers, exchanging food, crafts, and furs for blankets, iron and steel implements, horses, trinkets, firearms, and alcoholic beverages. The Europeans were constantly late to these meetings, a habit which eventually came to be known as, ‘dealer time.’ This group of stars is low in the sky in autumn evening sky, and it is said that the sky’s red tint represents a kind of metaphorical ‘murderous rage’ aimed at the dealer.
GENITIVE: Away From Keyboard constellation
RIGHT ASCENSION: 23 hours
DECLINATION: -15 degrees
BEST SEEN FROM: Smoking on balcony
Celestial navigation goes back to Homer’s Odyssey, in which Calypso warns Odysseus to make sure ‘away from keyboard’ (later shortened by the Romans to ‘AFK’) is on his left-hand side as he sailed away from her island, referring to a small group of stars of no particular shape. One theory to explain the name’s origins is that the Sun enters AFK in mid-spring, when the ‘end of the semester’ season is officially over in many parts of the world, leading students no longer burdened with having to write terrible essays proving some sort of crucial nothing to abandon their studies and go on an extensive afterparty pilgrimage.
GENITIVE: Low Self-Esteem constellation
RIGHT ASCENSION: 22 hours
DECLINATION: -30 degrees
BEST SEEN FROM: bed
The Egyptians saw the Low Self-Esteem constellation as their god Qehensebuef (‘he who prefers to hide in his room’), while the Chinese called it both ‘The True Self’ as well as ‘Far-Fetched Self-Loathing.’ Alternatively, the Greeks saw this constellation as Cyamites, demi-god of the bean, in disguise. The story goes that Cyamites fell in love with Europa, the daughter of the King of Phoenica, simply from repeatedly ‘stalking’ her public town board profile (the very first ‘social network’). This love was never acknowledged, consumed or discussed, and instead grew in Cyamites’ imagination until one day, playing by the waters edge, Europa caught sight of a majestic white bull grazing amongst her father’s heard. Wanting to feed the bull a special delicacy, she went to Cyamites and asked for a handful of beans. Talking to Europa, Cyamites kept ‘staring at his hands’ and ‘shit-talking himself’ until he realized that the person he had imagined and the person Europa actually was were completely different, and that he was mostly projecting onto her. Later, Europa is said to have showed romantic interest in Cyamites, which ‘freaked him out’ and made him to avoid her, only to become interested in her again when she started seeing Telesphorus, the demi-god of emotional variety.
GENITIVE: BYOB constellation
RIGHT ASCENSION: 9 hours
DECLINATION: 96 degrees
BEST SEEN FROM: semi-legal independent venues, some loft or something
The center of our galaxy, the Milky Way, lies in the direction of the BYOB constellation (also known, in some circles, as the ‘Local Bands’ constellation). What is at the center of the galaxy? No one is certain yet, but it appears that there might be a giant black hole with a mass about a million times greater that the Sun. Astronomers have long yearned for the giant black hole, believing it would make for ‘a cool party space,’ as it is located trillions of miles away from residential areas. Some say that BYOB is the most ancient constellation in the sky, and that this group of stars’ beauty and composition is what inspired the 3 wise men to sneak in beer at Jesus’ birth, despite the event being clearly labeled as ‘no BYOB’ and it being ‘a dick move.’
GENITIVE: Productivity vs. Guilt constellation
RIGHT ASCENSION: 15 hours
DECLINATION: -15 degrees
BEST SEEN FROM: your internal struggle
The Productivity vs Guilt constellation is the largest group of stars in the sky, but is strung out along the southern horizon over about 90 degrees. The Chaldeans associated the Productivity vs Guilt constellation with the Sun, since it was in the sky during the summer solstice. It is named after the conflict between the desire to be productive and the desire to party, often resulting in a ‘manic’ internal monologue constantly flip-flopping between both options. Two major novae have been observed in Productivity vs Guilt, and a popular theory is that one day, a supernova (a massive star exploding) will seriously alter the composition of this constellation, leaving either only Productivity or only Guilt.