The She-Man Who Fell To Earth: 9 Reasons Why Felix Baumgartner Is A Pussy

Rick Neves / Shutterstock.com
Rick Neves / Shutterstock.com

You can strip Lance Armstrong of his medals for doping, but you can’t erase a record such as the one set by Felix Baumgartner for highest skydive. He broke the record Joe Kittinger set in 1960, but allow me to set the record straight: Baumgartner is a bum-gardening pussy compared to his predecessor Kittinger. Sure, falling from 127,852 feet is quite a jump, but calling him brave would be an even greater leap. The Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum is currently honoring Felix’s Red Bull-funded space-dive from 2012. So in the interest of keeping the annals of history truthfully unsanitized, let’s recall a few facts omitted from the exhibit.

1.

Claustrophobia, over-scheduling, and unsubstantiated safety concerns were among the excuses Felix the Pussycat used while trying to claw his way out of the stunt. At one point he totally quit, drove to the airport in tears, and flew back home to Austria. On the other end of the pussy-to-hero spectrum, Joe Kittinger’s first test jump involved getting knocked unconscious from extreme g-force, and he nearly strangled to death from the tangled chute. Rather than driving at Autobahn speeds to the airport with The Best of Sarah McLachlan on full blast, Kittinger quietly dusted himself off for a few more rounds, one in which the pressure seal in his right glove failed. Rather than fretting ground control with a minor detail such as his hand swelling to near-explosion from the extreme low pressure, Kittinger endured severe pain with his mouth shut so that he could complete his mission like a man.

2.

Baumgartner’s sobriquet Fearless Felix sounds suspiciously self-given. Zey refer zoo me az Fearlessness Felix. Joe’s nickname is Red, which is the kind of simple, modest, tough-as-nails moniker you’d expect from a guy born in the 1920s.

3.

An Austrian newspaper asked Felix whether he’d ever enter into politics, to which he argued that fellow Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger was proof that democracy isn’t effective, then saying he’d opt for a ‘‘moderate dictatorship.’’ Professing a desire for the gummint to yank your hair as it reams you into submission is a bull’s-eye on the pussy wheel. Joe Kittinger lived through a pre-hippie USA that would’ve left Felix’s commie-lovin’ ass for dead on the side of the taxpayer-funded highway.

4.

Felix is the ten thousandth dude to witness the curved mound of Playboy playmate Gitta Saxx, while Joe is the first human being ever to observe Earth’s curvature with the naked eye.

5.

For his jump, Joe was awarded a second Distinguished Flying Cross and a Harmon Trophy from President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Felix received the Mankind Award at the 2013 Spike Guys’ Choice Awards and a shout-out from some menstrual-bloodied rag called Top Gear magazine.

6.

He loves to flaunt a forearm tattoo that reads BORN TO FLY in Guido-Gothic lettering. Joe probably has a tattoo or two as well, although the only people who know about that are his wife and a couple buddies he lost over in Korea and Nam.

7.

Felix was convicted of punching a Greek bus driver in the face. There’s nothing wrong with stepping out of the car to fuck someone up when the situation calls for it, but Baumgartner got out with his photographer, therefore making it a two-on-one. Street fights should almost always be mano-a-mano, comprendo?

8.

He isn’t afraid of unbuttoning his shirt down to reveal a hairless chest and a blingy necklace. While Felix is constantly in a losing battle with his 44-year-old chest follicles, Joe survived a year’s worth of rope torture at a Vietnamese POW camp.

9.

Felix is from Europe, where man-pussies are permitted to bloom like the poppies in Flanders Field.

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