5 Social Networking Sites That Need To Exist
By Greg Dybec
There’s no denying that we are the newsfeed generation. Thanks to an onslaught of internet-based mobile technologies that we smugly refer to as social media, privacy is dead and no one seems to have a problem with it. Since the world is already on track for a grim future fueled by a crippling dependency on virtual communication and mobile convenience, here are five social networking services that would promise to keep the social media revolution headed in the right direction, while at the same time providing a solution for all those annoyances that have plagued the overpopulated Facebook realm and Twitterverse.
ExistentiaLIST
Finally, a place where hipsters, struggling artists, and French kids can share their bleak outlook on life without angering the Facebook community. Sure, maybe human existence can’t be defined by theories of mortality or science, but that doesn’t mean people want to read your deadpan status updates and cynical memes. The site’s newsfeed-style, minimalist inspired design will give the appearance of a dirty page torn out of a Moleskin. And don’t you worry, ExisitentiaLIST will only approve one new member a month to avoid becoming mainstream.
SpankBank
SpankBank offers a unique social networking experience that allows users to instantly share their favorite pornographic pictures and videos with their group of friends. While you spank it, your friends can bank it. Use SpankBank on your smartphone, computer, or tablet, and always be prepared when the mood strikes. Friends can suggest videos, websites, and images to illustrate how well they really know you. Never get caught without spank in your bank, and never think you don’t have anything in common with your friends.
Too bad the name is already taken, because this version of Instagram has nothing to do with mock-vintage photographs. This social networking platform and application will conveniently list all drug dealers within a 10-mile radius of your location. It will include user ratings, reviews, and a list of current in-stock product and prices, so you’ll be able to avoid those sketchy situations and know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. Dealers will have the ability to list their status as currently selling or off duty, with an exact location for pick up. You can even reserve a time slot for delivery. It will only be a matter of time before law enforcement officials and employers pick up on this latest social trend, but haven’t we all incriminated ourselves on Facebook already? So, when you need an instant gram, think Instagram.
MeatLog
People like to think they’re top chefs just because they throw a piece of dry chicken on a Foreman grill and heat up a pouch of Uncle Ben’s. Under the illusion of culinary mastery, these hopeless individuals log on Facebook or Twitter and post an endless stream of photos showing off their bland creation. Fear not enraged citizens of the web, MeatLog is the go-to social network for all food creation updates. And the best part about Meatlog is that you don’t have to use it! Let the oblivious culinarians exist in their own realm and keep our newsfeeds food-free. Vegetarians are not welcome, because odds are they actually know how to cook.
Flushbook
We pretty much know everything else that goes on in the lives of our social media connected friends, so isn’t it about time we knew when and where they’re going to the bathroom? Flushbook simply allows you to see the time of day your friends go to the bathroom and if it’s a measly number one or a slightly more strenuous number two. This will help your friends know when you are momentarily unavailable to text or talk, so you don’t have to have a momentary nervous breakdown when the little grey ellipses doesn’t appear at the bottom of your iMessage within seconds of sending a message (even though we all know a trip to the powder room offers some of the best virtual chat time).