Hello Anderson-West Residents,
It has come to my attention (multiple times) that someone has been breaking into the cabinet I have locked in the Anderson-West kitchen, stealing valuable baking supplies. While in the process of moving these supplies out just now (I am no longer allowed to store stuff in the kitchen because facilities has had to fix the door for the third time), I noticed several items are missing. If you know where any of these items are, please return them immediately. You can put them outside of 213, 323, or 434 orange. Note that borrowing and not returning is stealing. Come on Anderson-West, we’re better than this. Here’s a (partial) list of what has been stolen:
5 Cookie Sheets
1 8 x 8 glass dish
1 9 x 13 metal cake pan
3 cake mixes
2 cake frosting tubs
1 set of plastic measuring cups (cups and spoons)
2 round 9″ pans
5 quart metal mixing bowl
1 flat rubber tip spatula
1 really valuable Kiwi pastry knife
1 metal mixing bowl
1 loaf pan
1 cow-spotted oven mitt
1 small cheese grater
Yeah… Crazy. That’s at least $250 worth of supplies. But look at the bright side – if you bring it back, you can clear your conscience! How refreshing!
With hope for a better tomorrow,
Dear [REDACTED] (And fellow Anderson-West students/administrators),
This is disappointing news. While stealing dorm-owned baking supplies is borderline unconscionable, I’m worried that this theft may have even more disturbing implications for our community.
I’m not sure whether you’ve seen the popular Bryan Cranston television show Breaking Bad, but aspects of that celebrated drama are eerily similar to the predicament you’ve (heroically) brought to our attention. In the show, Cranston plays a high school chemistry teacher who uses his scientific acumen to cook up some top-shelf meth with a burned-out former student. The school eventually notices that a bunch of chemistry supplies are missing and decides to launch an investigation. Sound like any other situation you can think of?
Now I don’t want to be alarmist here—jumping straight to unfounded conclusions is foolish and irresponsible. That being said, someone is clearly stealing your baking supplies to cook methamphetamine here in Anderson-West. I have CC’d our illustrious public safety department on this email and encouraged them (practically begged them) to launch an investigation as soon as possible. This is the sort of problem that can explode into a community-destroying epidemic if it is not dealt with immediately. (You should really watch Breaking Bad if you haven’t seen it, it’s super good and most of the seasons are on Netflix).
On behalf of all Atwater students, I’d like to thank you for bringing the campus’ meth problem out into the open. It takes a lot of bravery to come forward and acknowledge that there is a problem, especially in a case as terrifying as this one. Moving forward, everyone in Anderson-West must be hyper-vigilant. Be on the lookout for enormous boxes of metal spoons, cases of Mexican Sudafed, and also handguns. It’s our responsibility to keep this campus clean and we can never forget that.
Thanks again for shining a light on the meth problem that is sweeping our idyllic campus. You should be proud of the strength you exhibited in coming forward.