My mother used to say, “In a world that is largely focused on male pleasure — the female orgasm is an act of revolution.”
Her words have even more resonance in today’s on-demand culture where porn (largely produced, directed, and watched by men) is sometimes the only sex education young men get.
Let’s get something straight. I don’t know a single woman who achieves orgasm while getting sprayed in the face with ejaculate. With readily available, male-driven porn creating a skewed notion of female pleasure, it’s not a stretch to conclude that men just don’t get what it takes for a woman to reach orgasm.
If things that turn you on in the bedroom are things you’d never allow in the kitchen or at work, that’s OK! Sexuality is complex.
In fact, in a study released in August 2014, heterosexual women reported achieving orgasm about 60% of the time whereas lesbians achieved orgasm about 75% of the time. One theory to explain the disparity is that lesbians are more familiar with the female body.
But in her book, O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm, Jenny Block suggests that it has more to do with female-to-female sex being less about reaching a proverbial finish line and more about creatively exploring pleasure.
Does that mean straight women are just stuck with the short end of the stick forever (no pun intended)? Absolutely not. Block urges women to advocate for themselves in bed — seeking stimulation that suits the female body — mainly clitoral. So, next time you’re getting intimate, take the reins, and give your partner some adult sex education.
Here’s how to prep for the best sex of your life.
1. Know Thyself.
And yes, I mean that (sort of) in the Biblical sense. Explore your body alone. In her revolutionary book, Sex for One, Betty Dodson has written the ultimate primer on masturbation and discovering for yourself what turns you on. Every woman is different — take time to get to know yourself.
2. Don’t Try To Come Like A Man.
Male orgasm is a more straightforward matter — perhaps for the sake of evolution, ejaculation tends to be easy for men to achieve. The female orgasm is more complex.
There are many erogenous zones on women’s bodies that produce pleasure including the clitoris, the G-spot, the vulva and the perineum.
Explore all of them and find the unique combination of stimulation that works for you.
3. Stop Trying To Orgasm For A While.
Just for a while, take the goal of climax off the menu. Take turns touching each other for at least an hour. (I recommend setting timers for ten minutes to stay on track.) Make the agreement that neither of you will orgasm.
Instead, focus on exploring what creates pleasure for both of you. Removing the split focus — and staying with one person for a good amount of time — allows you both to learn about each other. This slow build-up of sexual tension tends to be helpful for women to reach climax.
4. Explore Different Types Of Stimulation.
According to Jenny Block, the way for most women to achieve their “personal best orgasm” is a blended method involving “clitoral stimulation, penetration and a little back door play if you’re game.
Having that kind of triple play can lead to … mind-boggling, earth-shattering orgasm.” Anal stimulation does not necessarily have to be with a penis; fingers and slender dildos can work, or try simply stroking the anus.
But keep in mind, the clitoris is the only organ in the body exclusively devoted to pleasure — don’t neglect it!
5. Play Around With Taboo Fantasies.
Allow yourself to role-play or fantasize while having sex. Charged erotic sex play often involves taboo themes. If things that turn you on in the bedroom are things you’d never allow in the kitchen or at work, that’s okay!
Sexuality is complex. Find an open partner and a safe space — physically, emotionally, intellectually — in which to act out what turns you on.
Orgasms don’t just feel great. They’re a crucial part of wellness. The hormones released during climax are known to relieve pain, depression, and stress. Oxytocin stimulates attachment, calmness, and a sense of well-being, while dopamine contributes to a natural high, a sense of elation, and a feeling of boldness. If the pleasure isn’t enough incentive for you, think about that. Orgasms improve our health and enrich our lives. Getting there is clearly worth a little effort.