5 Conversations You Should Not Have With Your Bartender: As Told By A Bartender

Shutterstock/the24studio
Shutterstock/the24studio

1. ”Do you make a good martini?” 
Um. There are 2 fucking ingredients in an actual martini and most people prefer no vermouth, which means “making” a martini translates into shaking a single liquid with ice and putting into a glass.

So, yes, I make a “good” martini. If not, please commit me to an insane asylum because that would mean I decided to put olive oil, bong water, or poison into your glass instead. This question is normally asked by actual martini drinkers, but if you want a cocktail in a martini glass, yes I can do that, and more justifiably asked on your part because that takes slight effort.

2. Them: “What do you recommend for a mix drink?”
Me: “Well, maybe *this*”
Them: “I don’t like vodka”
 Me: “Well how bout I make *this which is made with this*”
Them: “I don’t like gin”
 Me: “*This* would probably be good then?”
Them: “I don’t like whiskey” 
Them: “I don’t like tequila”
 Them: “I don’t like liqueurs”
 Them: “I don’t like baby birds”
 Them: “I don’t like breathing”
Me: “…”

3. “Do you have a boyfriend?” 
Yes. Always. Actually, I’m married. With an unbreakable curse to eternity. 
”Are you still with your boyfriend?” / “When do you get out”/ “How long have you been dating your boyfriend?” / “Well how am I going to keep in touch with you outside of here?” / “Hug goodbye?” / “Can I kiss you on the cheek?” 
No. I will give your creepy-ass a high five. Unless we’re friends, I might give you a side-hug. Thx bye.

4. *When it’s crazy-busy* – “Can you do an ounce and a half of ____ an ounce of _____ a splash of ______ and 1/2 ish of _____. NO wait…. how about ____. or do you think _____? I used to be a bartender, you know…” (he lifts his eyebrow for the friend he’s showing off for) 
Cool. Don’t care.
Right now, you just need to decide ‘cause there are 20 people behind you.

5. “I’ve always wanted to try bartending” *with a wistful sigh.* Really? Okay, this one is not as annoying, it’s just sort of weird. Really? Not, “Ohhh I’ve always wanted to go to Italy,” or “Ohhh it would be so cool to travel to space.” But bartend? Ok. By all means, come try it for a sec and I’ll take 15 mins outside. TC mark

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