6 Ways To Ensure You Stay Miserable On The Internet

We’ve all been there. In the midst of an otherwise productive day, you find yourself lost down the rabbit hole of comment sections and clickbait lists. And by “otherwise productive” I mean you checked your email for about thirty seconds prior to feeding the internet rage goblin that now occupies the space where your frontal lobe once was. Let’s face it, the culture of thought on the internet has been diminished to a vanishing point and we are all to blame. But who says our happiness has to suffer for it? Avoid these 6 habits and you can remain cocooned in the cotton candy cloud of denial, ignorant to the rampant rise of internet imbeciles.

1. Read the comment section.

Seriously. Read the whole thing. Then read it again. Out loud. Then post the article somewhere so you and your friends can wave your indignant wrath flags proudly while you fume about how awful the comment section is. The more people who see this the better.  Really dig in. Return to it throughout the day. Spend at least a few hours stewing and typing furiously. Don’t worry, you’ll get all that time back later.

2. See an Inflammatory Headline?  Click That Shit Like It’s Written in Disappearing Ink

Spoiler alert: it’s written poorly and with the sole mission of selling you something you don’t need. See those banner ads? Yeah. See those cookies? Oh wait, those are the things you don’t see that will make your future experience of the internet super highway even dumber simply for having associated yourself with this faux journalism. Whatever, just click it, nothing called cookie could actually be bad for you.

3. Keep Those Tabs Open

I’m not kidding, if you close them, you may never find that blog post again. Save it for later, because there is literally no tool in existence that will allow you to enter a few words or phrases and then see anything on the internet based on relevancy (and purchased keywords). And if you don’t spend at least twenty minutes staring dead-eyed with a creepy half-smile at the gifs of cats with captions suggesting funny human scenarios then what is the point even?

4. Always Remember, You Are Infallible

The future is now, folks. And in the future, anything you say on the internet, especially if there are caps involved, is just true. Bonus points if you can provide a link. Any link will do, definitely does not have to be from a reputable source.

5. Never Forget to Check In On Your Dumb Friends

It is truly important to have friends upon whom you can rely in times of need. And when that need happens to involve a small window of time which would otherwise be devoted to something inane like eye contact with another human or independent thought, you can always call on your dumb friends. Whatever they’re sharing is a plea for help, they are THIS close to changing their mind. This includes, but is not limited to: thinly veiled bigots, climate change deniers, fanatical religious people, and gun nuts.

6. Nothing Important Is Happening Anywhere Else

Not anywhere. Your newsfeed is all you will ever need as a source of information on the world around you. Anyone who suggests you seek other forms of entertainment or general knowledge is either old or stupid. Unless they are talking about reality TV.